Littman*: Asterisks can make everything equal

I must apologize.

Sometimes when I write and it’s getting late, I drink an energy drink… I must apologize.

Sometimes when I write and it’s getting late, I drink an energy drink to help me stay up. I hate that I do it, but without it, I wouldn’t be able to continue writing.

Last year, I was studying with a friend late at night when I mentioned I was tired. He poured me a drink I thought was juice, but it turned out to be very strong.

It helped me stay up, so I asked if he could give me more to use for late-night studying. Turns out, it was Red Bull.

So for that, I’m sorry, and I know that all of my past writing is now in question for the aid of a foreign substance. I accept my asterisks with remorse.

But if recent sports trends show anything, that’s how it should be.

Every time it’s discovered that someone had an unfair advantage in sports, the answer is usually to give that person an asterisk.

The biggest story involving asterisks was Barry Bonds passing Hank Aaron’s 755 career home runs for the most all-time.

Many people feel Bonds’ records should have asterisks next to them because of his alleged steroid use.

Bonds’ 756th career home run ball was purchased by clothing designer Mark Ecko, who then created a website where people could vote whether to give the ball to the Hall of Fame, mark the ball with an asterisk and then give it to the Hall of Fame or launch the ball into space.

America voted to give the ball to the Hall of Fame with an asterisk on it.

That’s not enough. If we’re going to asterisk Bonds’ career stats, there are plenty of others who are worthy of the three-lined symbol.

As of now, Bonds has 762 career homers and zero failed drug tests. Jason Giambi, Jay Gibbons and Ken Caminiti have all failed a drug test or admitted steroid use, and they have a combined 724 home runs, all of which should be asterisked.

Once proud ambassadors of American sports to the rest of the world, cyclist Floyd Landis and runner Marion Jones have both been caught using steroids.

Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France victory, and Jones is expected to lose her three gold and two bronze medals after admitting to taking steroids before the 2000 Olympics.

Though wrong, can we really be mad at them? They were just helping themselves prove that America rules the sports world.

Under two conditions, I see no problem with allowing American athletes to use steroids. The first being they win, obviously. And the second, to let everyone know about the steroids we change the 50 stars on the America flag to asterisks.

Last week, Yahoo! reported that bull riding might start drug testing the bulls because owners are injecting them with steroids. When given steroids, a bull will gain muscle quicker. According to the article, it won’t have as drastic an impact on bulls as on humans because steroids are combined with working out to see a vast gain of muscles, which bulls can’t do.

But then, shouldn’t all bull-riding scores have an asterisk now? If the bulls are on steroids, that’s an unfair advantage. Steroids can also supposedly make people angrier.

So now you’re looking at a possibly stronger, quicker and angrier bull. If nothing else, bulls on steroids would add a new dimension to the Running of Bulls in Pamplona.

A combination of steroid-injected bulls and all runners being forced to wear clothes made of only meat would make the Running of the Bulls must-watch TV every year.

In this age of asterisks, I feel that all unfair advantages should require an asterisk, not just steroids.

All NFL games up until this year should have an asterisk. For years, the NFL has been unfair, and commissioner Roger Goodell is out to make things even.

A couple of weeks ago, the NFL sent a memo to all 32 teams informing them that cheerleaders aren’t allowed to warm-up or stretch in front of the opposing team’s bench.

Teams complained that home teams tell cheerleaders to warm-up in front of the away team’s bench to distract them before games.

Finally: a rule to end the madness. Who knows how many games have been lost in NFL history because of the distractions from cheerleaders.

Some may say the asterisks have gotten out of hand, but what’s really gotten out of hand is the widespread unfairness. Everything must be equal for all. The joy of fair competition is why fans love sports.

Oh, excuse me, sports*.