The one-year dilemma

I have my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend coming up soon, and I have to buy a… I have my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend coming up soon, and I have to buy a present. But the thing is, neither my girlfriend nor I really think of our anniversary as a really big deal. I mean, sure, it’s neat that we’ve been together for a whole year – gasp! – but that doesn’t mean that we have to go completely nuts. We were planning on a nice, low-key dinner, maybe some minor gift exchanges, but nothing extravagant.

Unfortunately, that seems to be exactly the opposite of what the rest of the world wants us to do. I was talking to some friends, and they expressed shock – not just surprise, but genuine shock – that I wasn’t planning on buying an expensive present or going to a high-class restaurant. Now it might just be me, but is there something about this that seems a little odd?

For example, I had one of my friends tell me about the “rule of 10,” where the appropriate amount of money to spend is approximately 10 times the amount of months you’ve been together. So, for a three-month relationship, that’s $30. Not bad until you start talking about a year, at which point you would be at $120. Um, excuse me?

And it’s not like this is the extravagant position either. Almost all of the people I talked to about this seemed to think it was a major, relationship-defining event and we should both blow as much money as possible on it to commemorate properly. What I’m having trouble understanding, though, is why this is the standard idea everyone seems to have.

I mean, in my perception, relationships are about two people liking each other and having a good time together, and gifts are a way to show appreciation for the other person. What I didn’t realize was that monetary value is apparently an important qualifier in how much you like someone – that if you spend more money on them, you must like them more. Or that if you really like them and spend a lot of time together, you should spend a ton.

I think that popular culture tries to shove the idea that money is a representation of love down our collective throats far too much. From the “Diamonds are forever” ads to tales of decadent celebrity weddings, we have this idea that money and love are equals and cannot be separated from each other. So when my girlfriend and I want to have a nice, simple anniversary, the people who grew up with this money-love idea in their heads simply can’t grasp the concept that that idea might not necessarily be true.

My idea is that money has replaced thoughtfulness and creativity in relationships.

Instead of trying to find the perfect gift that the significant other will truly appreciate, we blow a wad of cash on electronics or jewelry and a nice dinner, then consider our obligation fulfilled. But it shouldn’t be an obligation to show someone how much you like them; it should be something you honestly want to do. Having monetary requirements is like keeping count of your presents at Christmas. It’s not the quantity or expense of the gifts that’s really at issue, though. It’s the quality.

In my opinion this is much more of an issue for guys than girls, who especially in long-term relationships have a lot more leeway to be sentimental and thoughtful in their gift giving. However, as a guy, money is a major consideration and something that culture says I should put at the forefront of how I celebrate my anniversary. But to me an anniversary, or a relationship in general, isn’t about the amount of money spent on gifts and celebrations. It’s about showing your significant other that you care about them and appreciate them.

Some people feel that it’s necessary to spend a lot on presents and the like, and actually feel obliged to do so. If that’s the way they feel then it’s perfectly all right, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

There’s no requirement that says you have to spend X in order for the relationship to be a success or for your significant other to love you. It’s about making the most of what you’ve got and being happy with each other. To me, that isn’t a matter of money, but a matter of love.

So no, I won’t be buying an extravagant gift for my girlfriend or chartering a limo to take us to some upscale dining establishment.

I’m going to do what really matters, and tell her that I love her and want to make it last another year or more. And I don’t need money to say that.

E-mail Richard at rab53@pitt.edu and wish him a happy anniversary, with or without monetary donations.