Where are they now?

As Halloween draws near, monster movies blare on TV screens everywhere. But these villains… As Halloween draws near, monster movies blare on TV screens everywhere. But these villains are more than gory films portray them to be – that is, they aren’t just soulless serial killers. They have hearts too. The Pitt News caught up with a few of these infamously monstrous characters to see what they are up to today. Here’s what we found out:

Frankenstein

Brain child of: Mary Shelley

He may have the linguistic capabilities of Bob Dylan in concert, but Frankenstein is a jolly green giant with a lot to say.

Relaxing in his Victorian house to the soothing sounds of Mozart, Frankenstein explained how his unfortunate, misunderstood past actually helped benefit his image.

“Urrrgh,” Frankenstein said. “Rawwwwrgh, HURGH! Guurrrrrrb.”

Speaking frankly, he admitted there hasn’t been a lot of work for him outside Halloween, and that’s why he founded a support group a few years ago, Beginning Our Lives Together, or BOLT. BOLT’s aim is to help people who feel there’s no way out of their current situation, be it alcoholism or a whole town going Don Quixote on your windmill shelter.

“Braaaaaahhhh,” said Frankenstein on BOLT. “ReeEEAAAaaagh!”

Inspiring.

Count Dracula

Brain child of: Bram Stoker

Dracula was stretched out on a lawn chair soaking up the ample moonlight while listening to his crimson iPod.

“I come here to relax,” Dracula said as he dabbed lotion on his arms. “It was getting a tad stuffy in my coffin, and my skin color is ghastly!”

His cell phone rang to the tune of ACDC’s “Highway to Hell,” and after a few moments, he hung up the phone, giggling.

“That was Zach Braff! FOX Studios bought ‘Dr. Acula!'” At that, he reached for a wine bottle labeled AB Negative and poured a healthy glassful.

“I save this for special occasions,” he said. “Very expensive. I normally do B Positive, and I’ve all but given up on type O – it tastes too much like Velveeta.”

Freddy Krueger

Brain child of: Wes Craven

Despite having the aesthetic appeal of a Pontiac Aztec with bacon glued to the chassis, Freddy Krueger has become a killer sensation in the minds of young people in America.

“I’ve moved on from Elm Street,” Krueger said. “Those damn kids and their drug-induced comas are my only weakness!”

He took off his trademark glove and inspected each blade. Chastising himself for letting them get so dull, he donned the glove and ran the blades through his Chef’s Choice Edge Select PRO, which was sitting under a “Freddy vs. Jason” movie poster.

“Yeah, that movie was terrible,” said Krueger. “There’s no way Jason could kill me! Nice guy, though. Good with kids.”

Hannibal Lecter

Brain child of: Thomas Harris

Hannibal rummaged through his fridge and pulled out a Tupperware container full of what looked like slimy banana chips.

“Full of protein,” he said as he placed a napkin on his lap. “Unlike half of America today. Fast-food organizations are really making people obese, which tends to make them, shall we say, unhealthily tender to my palate.”

Turns out Lecter is writing a memoir of his legacy, simply titled “From POW to WOW! A Retrospective.”

Jigsaw

Brain Child of; James Wan and Leigh Whannell

Jigsaw may be the new kid on the block, but he’s proven himself an iconic legend who, like so many others in his business, refuses to die.

“I’ve got another two movies lined up after ‘Saw IV’,” said Jigsaw, smoking a Cuban cigar handed to him by his maidservant who had what looked like a shotgun collar strapped to her neck.

“She used to be a prostitute,” he said. “I hope to persuade her otherwise. The method’s been successful in the past.”

When asked how his appearance in the future was possible given his death in the third film, he simply laughed.

“Flashback sequences,” he said. “You journalists are supposed to research this. Don’t make me teach you a lesson!”

Chucky

Brain Child of: Don Mancini, John Lafia and Tom Holland.

Chucky acts like a Cabbage Patch Kid on steroids but is quite the gentleman in real life.

“The only reason I’m as famous as I am is because of this face,” he said. “It was a lawn mowing accident – my father ran over my head and the incident resulted in these scars. At first, I was devastated, but look how my career has flourished!”

Chucky is grateful to the fans, who have made him a success and hopes for their support in the future.

“They have been great,” he said while sipping from his glass of chardonnay. “I hope to be in future projects. It would be nice to shed the violent doll typecast, but I go where the work is.”