Free cars, free cash, free kids?

Travis Henry is the starting halfback for the Denver Broncos. He’s run for more than 5,500… Travis Henry is the starting halfback for the Denver Broncos. He’s run for more than 5,500 yards and has averaged around four yards per carry for the last seven years. He has 34 career rushing touchdowns and two more scores as a receiver.

He also has nine children in four states from nine different mothers.

I was going to write this week’s column about this until, while doing some research, I stumbled upon a 60-year-old man named Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman.

Daad puts Henry to shame. He has 78 kids with 15 different women. According to Reuters, the United Arab Emirates resident pledges to get up to 100 offspring by the year 2015. I was going to write my column about this until, while doing some research, I stumbled upon a 17-year-old country named Russia.

Leave it to the Ruskies to outdo two men with a total of 87 children. According to the Associated Press, Ulyanovsk Gov. Sergei Morozov decreed last Thursday, Sept. 12 as the third annual Conception Day. In order to bolster a dwindling population, couples in the Volga River Region were given time off from work to procreate. Any woman who gives birth on June 12, Russia’s national day, could win big prizes, including cars, televisions, refrigerators or cash.

I couldn’t have made this up if I tried.

Russia has been offering monetary awards for extra children for a while. President Vladimir Putin signed a bill last year giving mothers around $10,000 for having second and third kids. All this is in an attempt to raise the population from its current standing of 142 million – seven million fewer than 15 years ago.

This sets a great example for men and women around the globe. Out of money? Have a kid. Need a new mini-fridge for your dorm room? Make a baby. Ever see those bratty girls asking for new BMWs on “My Super Sweet Sixteen?” Who would have thought that all they needed to do was get knocked up?

The official slogan of Conception Day is “Create a Family and Save Russia,” while Morozov prefers “Give Birth to a Patriot.” Organizers of this celebration claim that despite the lavish gifts, love and family should still come first. This may be hard to prove in nine months when names like Vladimir and Veronika are passed up for the likes of Flat Screen and Hi-Def.

Even if this crazy idea works, Russia’s population problem will not be completely solved. Russia can’t figure out this one on its own. Luckily, being North Oakland’s leading authority on population control and Russian culture, I have offered my assistance.

Just like Lenin’s mustache, Russia’s solution is right under its nose. China is currently limiting city dwellers to only one child per household. They have too many people, and Russia doesn’t have enough. By hopping right over Mongolia, both problems would be solved, and we’d finally figure out what General Tso’s borscht tastes like.

If the Chinese don’t comply, we’ll have to go with the back-up plan. This involves air-dropping Travis Henry and Daad Rahman in the middle of Moscow and waiting for the results. Just for good measure, we can throw in Shawn Kemp and an artificial being made out of the collective DNA of Wilt Chamberlain and Genghis Kahn. If that doesn’t repopulate Russia, nothing will.

Whether or not the country decides to take my advice, any plan is better than bribing couples to reproduce. Even Russian people should not be forced to have kids. They should be able to wait until they are good and ready. Don’t have babies for TVs or cars. Do it for love. Do it for family. And, as always, do it for the children.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu for more information on how to save Russia.