God is feeling a little left out

George Bush. Britney Spears. Barry Bonds. These are all names we have come to expect to find… George Bush. Britney Spears. Barry Bonds. These are all names we have come to expect to find in the headlines. Through good and bad, they have all earned our attention and belong in the spotlight. Recently, however, a not-so-new face has been occupying lots of space on news tickers across the country.

And you may have heard of Him.

Two weeks ago, according to CBS news, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers sued God for causing the “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions.” Chambers, who looks eerily similar to Morgan Freeman’s interpretation of the Big Guy in “Bruce Almighty,” is trying to make a political statement about the frivolity of many federal lawsuits.

While very few could conceive what Chambers’ actions would actually achieve, absolutely nobody could have guessed what happened next. Last Wednesday, according to the clerk of the Douglas County District Court in Omaha, a mysterious folder “miraculously appeared” on the front counter of the courthouse. Not only did it say it was from God, it included a thorough and well-researched defense for the lawsuit. He wrote that He was beyond the court’s jurisdiction and that His lofty status placed Him above a number of earthly laws.

The Corpus Christi law office connected to the phone number on the file has not yet returned calls to the press, and St. Michael the Archangel, who is listed as a witness on the document, could not be reached for comment.

All this commotion came at the same time God was spending time on the sports pages for “curing” Detroit Lions quarterback John Kitna of concussion symptoms during halftime of the team’s contest against the Vikings. After being knocked out of the game during the second quarter, the notoriously religious Kitna returned and led his team to an overtime victory over the division rival. Unfortunately, the winning score did not come on a “Hail Mary.”

Football commentators began to complain of an unfair bias on His part, but threw out the idea of any divine control over the gridiron after watching God’s favorite team, Notre Dame, lose for the fourth time in as many games this season.

As if he wasn’t busy enough, last weekend was Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Hebrew calendar. Jews around the world took the time to ask Him for forgiveness for all the sins they have committed over the last year. And some of them had been worse than others. I’m looking at you, Adam Sandler. Don’t think He forgot to see “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” You should have been praying double-time for that.

Add in all the wars being fought all over the place either in His name or one of His many pseudonyms, and God becomes the only one these days who’s multitasking more than Bono.

Part of me doesn’t blame Him. God used to be all over the news – making plagues, parting seas -and missed all the attention. He was sick of getting second bidding to Clinton and Giuliani, so He stepped up his game. He is a lot like that older child who gets jealous of his family’s new baby, only in this case God isn’t going to retaliate by jumping in His parents’ bed and eating crayons. And I’m still not sure if the metaphorical newborn is reality television or global warming.

The rest of me is not so sure of God’s sudden yearning for the limelight. He always struck me – not literally – as someone who could work in the shadow, someone who didn’t need to get credited with all the miracles he performed, someone who would make donations under the name “Anonymous.” Now that I think of it, He’s slowly become more noticeably needy since 1956. Well, at least if we use that year, we can trace this all back to Charlton Heston’s “The Ten Commandments.”

As much as I enjoy complaining, there could be a lot worse things in the universe than having God in the news. Other than the wars, most of the big God stories are pretty harmless. So what if John Kitna says that God got rid of his headache? Isn’t that better than him getting arrested for dog fighting or illegal weapons?

We are in troubling times – times in which it would be natural for people to turn towards a higher being. With so many dire situations going on at once, it seems only natural that the news would hop onto the holy bandwagon, too.

Maybe we should embrace God’s return to the front page. Maybe a little faith won’t kill us after all. Maybe we can all