Posses superior to unions

I think unions are great. I really do. But honestly, there are just more effective ways for… I think unions are great. I really do. But honestly, there are just more effective ways for workers to get what they want – namely, to form a posse and stage a well-constructed coup.

Choosing unions is a bit like choosing Orville Redenbacher’s half-bag rip-off popcorn over the far superior Blast O Butter. It’s takes twice the time to get anything done with much less tasty results.

Back in the day, unions were sweet. When companies tried to shut them down, angry union members would gather together in mob form and attack with sticks, rocks, guns and, of course, antique Civil War artillery.

Now, unions pride themselves in being diplomatic and compromising, never mind that it takes them a month to decide what brand of coffee they should serve in the lounge. This is why part-time jobs don’t offer union membership. These are busy people, and thus, people who don’t have the time to twiddle their thumbs for months while the higher-ups bargain for a new pencil sharpener.

A posse, on the other hand, completes its goals with the speed and agility of a well-bred African gazelle.

Essentially, posses work the same way as the last 30 minutes of the movie “A Bug’s Life,” where the ants and their new friends – the posse – realize that there are enough of them to crush the lazy grasshoppers – the employers – into small bits and pieces, or, since this is a Disney movie, scare them away with a homemade bird machine.

Posses are made feasible by a very important social dynamic, something that has made possible countless revolutions, protests and monster truck rallies, among other things. This wonderful phenomenon is called mob mentality.

Mob mentality is great because individual morals and beliefs are lost, and instead, members assume the morals and beliefs of the group. This means that as a potential posse leader you could essentially order your followers to do just about anything, unlike in unions, where there are those tedious democratic and out-dated practices, such as voting and encouragement of individualistic thought.

Unions are also overly diplomatic when bargaining with their employers. I, as well as most posse members, know that bargaining is just silly. What is the point of give and take, when you could just take?

Instead of trying to be political like the unions, posses find much more efficient ways to meet their goals. It might start with things as innocuous as carefully hand-drawn – and no doubt emotionally shattering – “I hate your haircut!” signs posted frequently outside the boss’s door.

Eventually, it will nearly always progress to sheer force. Rusty nails, freshly sharpened pencils, stale coffee and phone cords are often a posse’s weapons of choice, though it does vary by personal preference.

O.J. Simpson, for example, gathered himself a posse to help out with his latest line of work, and they decided to use guns.

The above example proves that sometimes even posses fail. This is why it is sometimes best to combine two or maybe even three posses together to form one giant “super posse.”

Like all other super things, a super posse is the best possible scenario when conducting a workplace coup. It is more or less the group equivalent of Barbra Streisand – admired by many, feared by all.

I therefore sincerely recommend to all those who are dissatisfied with their workplace environment that they take the most direct route to overthrow the leadership.

Here’s how to form a posse:

When you start to work at a new job that doesn’t seem to respect your employer-employee relationship – you know the sort, the ones who put out the soggy jelly donuts instead of the cream-filled ones – begin by slowly spreading dissent around the workplace.

Maybe go up to Jack or Peggy or Beth Sue and say, “I can’t believe that Mr.