Madden Nation can populate the NFL sidelines

Most people probably don’t think playing Madden once a week could be a high-paying job. … Most people probably don’t think playing Madden once a week could be a high-paying job.

And, as far as I know, it isn’t. But there’s something a bit more involved that could work for those searching for employment this year.

Become an NFL head coach.

Of course, it will take much more effort to run an NFL team opposed to a Madden team, but that shouldn’t stop you.

There are hours upon hours of game film that need to be watched. You have to account not only for every player on the team, but all of the coaches and other employees of the team as well.

After watching game film, you have to meet with assistant coaches and develop a game plan for the upcoming game. Then, you have to prepare your team for the game. It’s a lot of work.

On the plus side, your thumbs won’t be nearly as tired if you’re a real coach opposed to a Madden player.

There are a few steps one must take to become a head coach in the NFL:

You should start out by deciding what kind of coach you want to be. There are coaches who appear to yell a lot (John Gruden), seem calm (Tony Dungy) and ones who are great motivators (Bill Belichick). Each of the three has won the Super Bowl as a coach.

A coach must be able to lead and ensure his players that they’re in the hands of someone who can win. That’s why a tall mirror is essential, but leave that at home.

In front of the mirror, practice the many speeches that inspire teams to win even when the odds are stacked against them. These speeches are essential in the success of a coach. A great speech is needed before the game, during halftime and, if your team is still somehow losing after those past two vocal inspirations, before the team’s last drive.

The last key to being an NFL coach is how you dress. A majority of coaches wear team gear while patrolling the sidelines. Most coaches sport a collared shirt and khaki pants. Some coaches wearsweatshirts, torn or left alone, and others wear a suit occasionally.

But why be like all those other coaches?

Follow baseball’s lead and dress for games in uniform, pads included. Nothing says, “I’m all for the team,” like strapping on some shoulder pads, a helmet and all the other necessary safety equipment.

If you don’t like that, dress up as a mascot. But not your own team’s mascot, because the actual mascot will need to wear that or else the crowd won’t know when to be happy. Also, don’t use the opposing team’s mascot either, because that would be rude.

If all goes as planned, you’ll distract them. Just imagine what kind of advantage your team will have when, instead of deciding what play to call, the opposing coach is wondering why the Hamburglar is holding a clipboard and wearing a headset on your sidelines.

So now that you know how to be an NFL coach, all that’s left is finding a job. Like most high-profile jobs, the most likely way to obtain a coaching job is to work your way up through the organization. Pretty much all head coaches were assistant coaches or coordinators first.

A great way to break into the league is to befriend a coach who already has a job, and he will be someone who will always have your back. Just look at Belichick and his buddy, Eric Mangini. Belichick discovered Mangini working countless hours in the PR department when Belichick was head coach of the Browns.

He liked Mangini’s enthusiasm, found him a job as a coach and later hired him as his defensive coordinator for the Patriots. Mangini then took the head-coaching job for the Jets, a division rival of the Pats, and the close friends play at least twice a season.

And once you’re a coach, you can hire a bunch of your friends, too. You can hang out, watch some game film and then have sleepovers where you watch scary movies on the stadium’s JumboTron.

You can even hire one of your old UPTV buddies who can work a camera to stand on the sidelines and misinterpret some rules for you.

There’s really no reason why being an NFL coach isn’t the perfect job for a student. Games are primarily on Sundays, and I don’t think they have any classes scheduled on Sunday. See, perfect match.

Just remember, once you have the job, don’t mess it up with coach-enhancing drugs, like HGH.