NBA coaching: Constantly sitting on the job

So, you’re looking for a job? Work that you can make a little chump change, forget about… So, you’re looking for a job? Work that you can make a little chump change, forget about when you get home and maybe put on your resume once you graduate.

Boy, is there a job for you. Try being an NBA head coach. It’s not the easiest job in the world, but anyone can do it. And you make good money, too.

Look no further than Doc Rivers, current Boston Celtics coach. Sure, he played great defense as a player, but his basketball knowledge is more questionable than the point guard on your little brother’s YMCA team.

I’m sure if you asked him, Doc would tell you he’s making a pretty penny.

But this isn’t a “Be a basketball coach” column. That would imply that college coaching is an option.

Don’t try to coach in college, it’s a health hazard. You actually have to do stuff. You have to travel, recruit, talk to people outside your organization, keep winning and constantly manage the lives of young basketball players.

And if you don’t do well, you get fired.

In the NBA, you only travel. If you keep your thoughts to yourself, you can last in the NBA. Just let your players play and try to look amused on the bench. I mean, you might have to stand up every so often to show that you care, but you can relax in a nice, padded folding chair for most of the game.

If your team stinks, blame the general manager. Fans will follow. Just look at Rivers in Boston, where general manager Danny Ainge takes the brunt of Celtics’ fans complaints, despite the fact that Rivers arguably doesn’t know how many players a team needs to legally compete in an official NBA game.

If your team is great, take the credit, just like Phil Jackson.

Jackson has never coached a second in his life, yet his considered one of, if not the, greatest coach of all time. All he ever needed was a couple stars to win, and he got them.

You are almost always guaranteed one star on your team in the NBA, so you just have to know how to handle them. Use Jackson as your gold standard. Leave your stars alone, and they will win. Don’t over-coach.

And please, please don’t mince anybody’s nickname. When Rivers coached in Orlando he made the mistake of calling Tracy McGrady “Tracy.” Well, McGrady didn’t like that.

“Call me T-Mac,” McGrady said. Apparently, he sulked the rest of practice.

But don’t worry, non-communications majors, you don’t have to be Mr. Diplomat to coach an NBA team, either.

Isiah Thomas is the president, general manager and head coach of the New York Knicks, just like you in your NBA 2K8 season. Isiah likes to start fights and compensate for his lack of brains.

If you put him on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” he might struggle. And when the struggling would begin and the kids would start giggling, Isiah might send one of his cronies into the children’s area to rough up some hecklers.

That’s how he works, and it’s done nothing but keep his job with the Knicks for the past four years. In fact, he keeps getting promotions. Soon, Isiah will be the ball boy, scoreboard operator and the locker room attendant in addition to his current positions, so clearly there is room for advancement in some NBA franchises.

If you’re a psychology, sociology or criminal justice major, head to Portland, Ore. You will get some valuable experience dealing with drug addicts, disgruntled middle children and people on the brink of committing a crime.

The work you put in there might actually pay dividends in the self-esteem department of your own life, and it will provide some great case studies for your resume.

Being an NBA head coach is not hard – just ask Doc, Phil or Isiah. They are considered some of the preeminent minds in basketball, and they hardly do anything (aside from ruin a franchise every time they open their mouths in the case of Doc and Isiah).

At the very least, you will be one of the least recognizable people in America after you stop coaching. And you don’t even have to win to get another job as a coach somewhere else.

In fact, you can be the worst coach in the history of the NBA and still get a job somewhere. And if that doesn’t sell you, then consider this – no one is watching, anyway.