Whales: Our next great enemy

The term “War on Terror” has been confusing Americans since it was introduced to our… The term “War on Terror” has been confusing Americans since it was introduced to our vocabulary six years ago. How does one combat an intangible idea? Is it a group, a country or something else entirely? Who exactly are we fighting?

Thankfully, the truth has finally come out. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, a federal appeals court overturned a ruling that tried to stop the Navy from testing sonar weapons off the coast of Southern California. The tests had originally been stopped because of the risk they presented to an endangered species of whale that lives in the area, but the new ruling allows the Navy to continue its program.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you to the War on Marine Mammals.

In a 2-1 decision, the court ruled that it was a matter of “national security” that the Navy be allowed to test its sonar systems. Sonar is the most effective way to locate diesel-electric submarines and, as it turns out, is one of the top methods of killing whales, ranking just below oil spills, hungry Eskimos and forgetting to cut up those plastic six-pack rings.

CNN and Fox News must feel pretty foolish right about now. While they’ve been focusing on Osama and Co., it turns out the threat has really been much closer to home. And, while airport security has stepped up to prevent attacks, it’s our nation’s boating industry that has really needed the extra protection.

Though nobody could have ever guessed that whales were behind Al Qaeda, I have to admit that I’ve never trusted those animals. Maybe it’s the old Hartford hockey fan in me, but I’ve always thought that if anything chooses to be that big, it must have a reason. And when’s the last time you’ve heard a bunny or giraffe described as “killer”?

Helpless animals, you say? Possible extinction? I don’t blame you for your ignorance – pro-Ocean propaganda has been brainwashing us for years. “Jaws” promotes the power of unelected dictators. If you play the final scene of “Free Willy 2” backward, you can hear someone whisper “Down with the infidels.” And, if you cannot see the anti-Capitalist undertones of “The Little Mermaid,” it’s already too late.

This threat is not one to be taken lightly. The gray whale, one type known to frequent the area in question, is commonly known as the “Devil Fish.” It preys on helpless crustaceans on the bottom of the ocean and grows to around 52 feet and 36 tons, or roughly the weight of 221 Shaquille O’Neals. There has been no word as to any pro-whale sentiment in the movie “Kazaam.”

It’s a wonder as to why anybody would be against what the Navy is doing. The sonar disrupts the whales’ migration patterns, separates them from their groups, scares away their prey and forces many to come up to the shore in search for food. My question is, what’s so bad about getting the enemy to fight on a level and dry playing field? We invite them up onto our beaches, the least they could do is stay awake long enough to even pretend to want to settle this with diplomacy.

There’s a good chance that the latest ruling will be reviewed again so those anti-American orca-lovers can try to stop us from finally winning this war. Hopefully, the next panel will also understand that every day we live in fear is a victory for the bad guys. The next group of judges needs to understand that killing whales is the only way to make oil prices go back down.

You may not be convinced, but let it be known that in this Blubber Battle, you are either for land-living primates or against us. Now grab your star-spangled harpoons and go fight for our freedom. If for nothing else, do it for the children.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu for information on how to serve your country.