Enough Haterade, Goodell

If I were to say that of all the major sports leagues, the NFL has hurt its product the most… If I were to say that of all the major sports leagues, the NFL has hurt its product the most this summer, it would be a believable statement.

Most would figure that I was talking purely about the amount of legal issues involving NFL players in the past year – rumor has it that Nike is currently developing a wristband-handcuff hybrid – but that’s not why.

The reason I say this is because the NFL is the only league that wastes time coming up with senseless rules for the sole purpose of what appears to be taking the fun out of football.

A few years ago, the NFL implemented a 15-yard penalty for excessive touchdown celebrations. A few weeks ago, I was watching a Jets game, and wide receiver Jerricho Cotchery caught a pass and was tackled on the 1-yard line. He stood up and – still holding the ball – threw his arm toward the ground, causing the ball to slip out of his hands.

He was flagged for a 5-yard penalty as part of the NFL’s new rule, which defines “spiking or throwing the ball in the field of play after a down has ended, except after a score.” Anything other than a score, and it’s a 5-yard penalty.

It caught me off guard because I hadn’t yet heard of the penalty, but also because it seems a bit ridiculous. This, combined with the celebrations penalty, appears to be a way for the NFL to limit on-the-field excitement by its players.

As fans, we like to see emotion from athletes. It’s exciting to see them excited. We always hear that athletes want to win, but in a time where such an extravagant amount of money is made from sports, many athletes don’t wear their emotions for all to see. It’s just a game that they happen to make millions upon millions of dollars to play.

But there is still the athlete who plays to win, and it’s obvious who those people are just by watching the games. What the NFL is doing with these rules is taking the emotion out of the game.

And yes, some celebrations are obnoxious, but for the most part, players like Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens are more often than not humorous and fun to watch.

It feels like it’s only a matter of time before the NFL bans smiling. Speaking of which, I heard from a friend the NFL is currently considering a long list of pending rule changes, most of which stick with the current theme of worsening football.

I obviously can’t name him, but for now let’s call him Imagination.

All future offspring in the Manning family, male or female, are guaranteed the first overall pick in the draft, no matter if they play football or not. Along with that, they must be given at least four different products to endorse. If someone has the last name Manning, that person is ensured at least a fourth-round pick and one locally televised commercial.

On a similar note, Peyton Manning has an open invitation to the Pro Bowl every year for the rest of his life or until he respectfully declines. And every year he accepts, he must start. A similar deal is in the works with Tony Romo.

From now on, every time Brett Favre throws an interception, it will count as three points for the Packers. Every touchdown pass will count as seven points before any sort of extra point attempt. And every time Brett Favre compliments a teammate, the Packers are awarded two points. Nobody is allowed to badmouth him either, because he’s a legend and surely hasn’t held the Packer franchise back from rebuilding at all.

Commissioner Roger Goodell has the right to suspend anyone in the league if he suspects he was ever involved with any illegal activity over the course of his life. This ranges from a murder committed during one’s bye week to stealing one pog from the local convenience store when the player was 8 years old. It’s a full-year suspension without pay if he finds out he stole a slammer.

Also, Goodell doesn’t need for the player to be convicted of the crime for the suspension. If the sister of a player’s childhood friend passes along some information to Goodell, it is sufficient enough for him to suspend without any questioning or backlash.

In an exclusive agreement with ESPN, the Super Bowl will no longer take place. From now on, when the two conference winners are known, the two finalists from Madden Nation will play out the Super Bowl in Times Square.

To make sure it’s not too boring, they will play 15-minute quarters, and they will have to wear a jersey from the team they’re playing with. There will still be a halftime show, though. However, to make sure it’s nothing too offensive, Goodell has planned a star-studded spectacular consisting of the Wiggles, the cast from the “High School Musical” movies and Donny Osmond.

The NFL will expand outside of the United States, and teams will all play at least one game a year overseas. Oh wait, that already passed. What an awful idea. It has all the makings of two teams complaining all year about being tired from the travel and blaming that for however they finish their seasons.

I will say two possible changes to the NFL caught my eye in a more positive way.

For a new ESPN show, the NFL will allow Tim Couch to take as many steroids as he likes. He’ll then try out for different teams, seeing if he can find a job on the practice squad, or maybe even as a backup. As of now, the show is titled “So You Think You Can Pass?”

The NFL is also considering eliminating the three-man announcing booth. Actually, they’re thinking of abolishing two-man booths as well. Instead they want R. Kelly to announce all NFL games from now. He will, of course, sing all the announcing over background music.

After watching the “Trapped in the Closet” series, Goodell was amazed at R. Kelly’s uncanny ability to narrate a story through the art of song. He hopes to replace Joe Buck with R. Kelly in time for the 2009 season. No word yet on whether Goodell will allow R. Kelly to wear his mask while announcing the games.