How to rate same-gender attractiveness

I have a problem that a lot of other guys have. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that… I have a problem that a lot of other guys have. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that after this column, a lot of guys will send me e-mails saying, “Thanks so much, Lewis! I thought I was alone. I can’t tell if another dude is attractive either!” Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to break this, but I can’t tell if another dude is attractive.

When I say this, I feel like I’m trying to act like I’m not gay. If I wanted to act like I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t be a member of the only political party that unabashedly supports gay rights: the Libertarian Party, and I definitely wouldn’t write columns expounding the talents of Shakira based on her music alone. Some guys just don’t know when another dude is attractive. Everyone has a weakness. Brothers, this is one that we can overcome.

If you’re a straight male, you might wonder, “What’s even the point of knowing if another dude is attractive?” If you wonder about this, chances are you do, in fact, know if another dude is attractive because for those of us who have no idea, mere survival is a constant struggle against all odds.

For example, sometimes in a movie, a group of three guys walks into a room. Then the camera cuts to a shot of the female lead visibly astonished by one of them. Which one is it?

One time I was talking to some of my amigas at a party, and a guy walked in wearing a Raekwon T-shirt. All my amigas started giggling and saying, “OMG.” They were spelling out the acronym.

I said, “What’s wrong with you? Raekwon has the best flow of the whole Wu Tang Clan.” I thought they were laughing at Raekwon. The amigas got confused, and one said, “That guy is so hot.” Even then, I wasn’t sure if the amigas were talking about Raekwon or the guy wearing the shirt. It made me wish that Raekwon was the guy wearing the Raekwon shirt, so I could be sure – and also so that I could party with Raekwon.

Finally, there was the time I worked as a spy. My superior, a foxy yet coldly professional woman of 28, sent me video instructions to kidnap a dangerous counter-operative at the symphony. “He’ll be sitting in row G,” she said.

“How will I know who he is?” I asked.

“Oh, you’ll know all right. You can’t miss him,” she said, injecting her typically flat voice with a sultry swing and touching her neck sensuously.

Then, she winked and cut the video transmission. Long story short, I now have all the guys from row G locked in my basement on Meyran Avenue, just in case.

I can’t offer a cure for this condition, but research is progressing. I’ve developed a few shortcuts to help us out:

Play to your strengths to make up for your weaknesses, like a blind person does. You are already good at figuring out if women are attractive, and luckily, every guy requires at least one woman to exist. If his mom is hot, the guy in question is more likely to be attractive. Sisters can corroborate your conjecture – the more hot sisters the better, I always say.

To practice, go ahead and make a bunch of friends with good-looking sisters. I know it sounds like a crazy idea, but in the end you’ll find it’s worth it.

A guy is likely to be attractive if you can’t tell what he’s looking at. You want to find a real loser in a magazine, just point out the guy that’s looking right into the camera like you’re supposed to. You want to find a stud at a party real fast, just find the guy with a paralyzed iris. He’s gazing around, but you realize his eyes don’t actually focus on anything. Girls love that. Girls also love guys that cock their heads in uncomfortable positions, leave their mouths open and lean against walls. I don’t pretend to know why.

Ask a gay friend or acquaintance if the dude in question is attractive. Since it’s between bros, he’s more likely to be honest in his answer than a girl would be. Also, girls are completely unreliable at estimating how physically attractive a guy is. Their opinion will be tainted by non-physical factors, like if the guy is a poet-turned-bank-robber or a counter-operative Mozart aficionado. However, if you yourself are gay and you can’t tell if another dude is attractive, I don’t know what to tell you.

In the end, not being able to tell if another dude is attractive can be a blessing in disguise. Every year, our society comes closer to banishing the scourge of racial prejudice from hiring decisions. However, physical attractiveness remains a factor in promotions for many jobs for which attractiveness is useless.

Not at my company, though. If I own a company, no man will ever be promoted based on anything but his experience, qualifications and tenacity, because I will not know whether or not he is attractive.

What about women? Everyone has a weakness. Not all of them can be overcome.

Commiserate with Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.