One planet’s trash, another planet’s treasure

Once in a great while, discoveries by astronomers rock the foundation of what we humans… Once in a great while, discoveries by astronomers rock the foundation of what we humans perceive as reality. We discovered how truly small we are when we landed on the moon. Our fifth grade educations were made worthless when we realized that Pluto is not actually a planet. Now, a group of European astronomers has made a new discovery that will change the way we look at the universe forever.

The most Earthlike planet we have discovered outside our own solar system, 581 c, is 120 trillion miles away and revolves around the red dwarf star Gliese 581. In a story from the Associated Press, the European astronomers describe what it may be like to stand on the surface of this new planet. Most notable from their predictions was a high level of gravity and a large, red star that would hang in the sky much larger than our own sun.

The reason this planet has the science world buzzing is because of the striking similarities it has to Earth. The estimated temperature on 581 c is around ours. Scientists also speculate that the planet is covered in liquid water and might have an atmosphere.

All of these qualities in a new planet bring to light the cosmic question to which we might soon have an answer: Can we dump our garbage on it?

This is surely the reason why this planet has attracted so much attention. With a planet that looks like Earth and feels like Earth, it would probably make a perfect landfill. Imagine how beautiful our own planet would be if we scooped up all of our landfills, toxic waste and all things harmful to the environment and sent it on a 20.5 light-year journey to this new, equally beautiful planet.

Surely global warming – if it even exists – could be easily thwarted if we sent all of our pollution to this other planet. That should appease the enviro-nuts.

Before the discovery of this planet, my only other solution was to fill up the Grand Canyon. My thought was that the world’s biggest trash can would attract a lot more tourism than a big hole ever could.

But it will be a long and arduous journey until we can completely fulfill my dream. First, we have to develop methods of space travel that will take less than the span of a human lifetime. After that, we need to assemble a crack team of men to go up there. Perhaps oil drillers would be best.

Upon arrival, an American flag must be planted into the ground. If anyone has any problems, we can just tell them it’s manifest destiny. Just remember that even though Europeans discovered the planet, that doesn’t mean they have to be the first to get there and claim ownership.

Once we have all of our trash on 581 c, the long trip home can begin.

Now, expect to have a lot of the pro-well-being-of-the-Earth crazies saying that dumping our garbage on another planet is too easy. They will say things like “we should plant trees” or “we should just recycle.” But stay strong. People like that don’t usually know what’s good for them.

Let’s suppose – on the very slimmest of chances – that other life exists on this planet. We should not take its presence as a threat. We found this planet, so it belongs to us. Look, it’s not like these beings are the ones that were created in God’s image. We can probably trick them into giving us the planet for some Pogs or something. I doubt they’ll require any of our Slammers.

Once we have rightfully taken the new planet as our own, we can convert the inhabitants to Christianity. If they don’t want to convert, that’s OK. We’ve never had a problem with forcing people in the past.

Once the conversion is complete, the inhabitants of this world will realize that it was given to them – us – by God to reap and use at their – our – will. Then the trashing can begin.

It may seem crazy now, but when Manhattan is under water and children are asking their parents if polar bears ever actually existed, this new potential waste heap will be looking mighty tempting. Hold strong and ignore the Al Gores of the world who will detest this idea. Ignore the scientists who, with their fancy numbers and graphs and facts, will show us cockamamie reasons why we should not carry out our plan.

And if our own people are not willing to listen to reason, if our own people are not willing to destroy another planet in order to allow us to live in excess, then I have but one thing to say: off to Arizona.

Are there better holes where we can stick our trash? E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu.