Road to the White House 2008: Haiku style

As election season kicked off early this year with a round of presidential debates, one… As election season kicked off early this year with a round of presidential debates, one thing became clear: there are way too many candidates. How are we to keep them straight, this early in the race, when there are eight Democrats and 10 Republicans looking to be the next president? Here, I have attempted to boil down all of the most essential information you need to know about each candidate, in the purest form I can conjure – haiku.

I’ll begin with the Democrats. The Democrats are in an unfamiliar place this election cycle, with a number of good candidates and a party unified by their popular opposition to the Iraq War. This is the year of too many stars in the Democratic Party, where the likes of Obama and Clinton can overshadow a man who in 2004 was the vice presidential nominee and probably more well-liked candidate than his presidential running mate, John Kerry.

At the debate, though, the frontrunners by no means stole the show, with long shots like former Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel and Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich using their platforms to pressure the more mainstream candidates to give honest answers about their positions on hot-button issues like Iran.

The debate was lively and entertaining, and though the 60-second answer format didn’t give much room for real, substantial answers to questions on policy, eight (well, seven, if you think Chris Dodd is as boring as I do) distinctive personalities presented themselves on stage on April 26, 2006, leaving voters to speculate on the electability of a number of qualified candidates. Here are the Democratic candidates, in haiku:

Joe Biden Delaware Senator Thought George Allen was fun? I called Obama black and clean. Gaffe-machine!

Hillary Clinton New York Senator Remember health care? Hill hopes not. Hate her voice but she has Bill and bills.

Chris Dodd Connecticut Senator Can’t fill out the seat of your Dockers pants? Prefer vanilla? Vote Dodd.

John Edwards former N.C. Senator Southern populist with a $400 haircut. Loves the poor.

Mike Gravel former Alaska Senator I spit flames from the podium. No chance I’ll win so I have some fun.

Dennis Kucinich Ohio Representative A little elf-man he sticks it to the centrists. Super-liberal.

Barack Obama Illinois Senator Everyone loves me. I’m so charismatic, but where’s my policy?

Bill Richardson New Mexico Governor Such a windbag but I have foreign policy cred with Kim Jong-Il.

If you were hoping that the Republicans, in an attempt to restore to the party the credibility that the Bush administration has obliterated, would have a more spirited debate about where their party stands today and where it should be, then you were probably very disappointed by the first debate.

Whereas eight candidates seemed tolerable in the varied field of Democratic hopefuls, the 10 Republican contenders were too ideologically and even physically similar to distinguish themselves, except for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, whose slick performance made him a stand-out among a sea of candidates who ignored Iraq to talk about Iran with alarming urgency.

The only other things worth mentioning are that Mike Huckabee, Tom Tancredo and Sam Brownback all said that they did not believe in evolution, Rudy Giuliani gave an awkwardly soft answer on his views on abortion and a stuttering John McCain promised he would follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell before leaning back and giving a stiff, uncomfortable please-don’t-think-I’m psychotic smile.

Last night, the Republicans debated again, God knows why. The debate was markedly more cutthroat, with tough talk from Tom Tancredo and Ron Paul, and increased pressure on “Rudy McRomney” to clarify their less-than-satisfactory stances on social issues.

Here they are, the mostly lackluster Republican presidential candidates:

Sam Brownback Kansas Senator A paragon of social conservatism. Catholic convert.

Jim Gilmore former Virginia Governor I’m irrelevant like Gravel only I am less entertaining.

*I had written a haiku for California Representative Duncan Hunter, a single issue immigration guy, but it wasn’t very funny and I realized Gilmore’s haiku was just as applicable, and probably all you need to know about him.

Rudy Giuliani former Mayor of New York City Nine eleven nine Eleven nine eleven Also, I’m pro-choice

Mike Huckabee former Arkansas Governor Lost 100 pounds I don’t believe that humans have evolved from apes.

John McCain Arizona Senator I sang “Bomb Iran” to the tune of “Barbara Ann.” Mitt Romney owns me.

Mitt Romney former Massachusetts Governor A charming Mormon, I won the debate, hands-down. Watch your back, McCain.

Tom Tancredo Colorado Representative Round two, I came tough “24”: good show, but I’m all immigration.

Tommy Thompson former Wisconsin Governor I’m rich, like Jews, he said. And no, he’s not the guy from “Law ‘ Order.”

Ron Paul Texas Representative Pittsburgh native is historically confused but true conservative.

Ronald Reagan former U.S. President I deserve a nod; ghost is the frontrunner. That’s how bad they are.

There they are, the presidential hopefuls, in haiku. As the campaign progresses and the field narrows, I’m sure I’ll have more time and space to have a real, constructive conversation about the candidates, perhaps in limerick, or sonnet form.

Send Marin your presidential haikus at copy@pittnews.com.