Nothing says “We’re through” quite like a case of canned corn

Breaking up is hard to do – especially when you’re not the one making the clean getaway…. Breaking up is hard to do – especially when you’re not the one making the clean getaway. When my first serious relationship here at Pitt came screeching to a halt, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It strikes me that the one on the receiving end of such a blow often receives countless warning signs that the relationship is coming to an end but chooses to ignore those red flags. In fact, a blind and deaf monkey could have seen the end in sight, but I was still shocked when my boyfriend showed up at my doorstep toting every single item I had ever left at his place.

I’ll never forget that he was wearing a shirt that said, in an eye exam style – “I WOULD ONLY HURT YOU.” Ah, the irony. I grudgingly let him inside, knowing that he was going to leave a short time later clutching my still-beating heart in his closed fist.

He set my stack of belongings on top of the coffee table, covered with an oversized sweatshirt I had left at his house. Then we broke up. We came to the agreement that no, things weren’t the same, and yes, it was time to move on. There was a lot of crying and a little yelling on my part, but nonetheless, I ultimately agreed.

As he stood to leave, I lifted the sweatshirt off of the stack of my returned belongings. There was an earring, another T-shirt, and – a case of canned corn? Yes, it was definitely a 12-pack case of canned corn from Sam’s Club. I hadn’t left that at his house.

When he noticed my puzzled look, he said:

“I know you like corn, so I got you some corn.”

He bought me a case of canned corn as a break-up gift.

Now, a note about my ex-boyfriend: He is a great guy, a wonderful and loyal friend, and I couldn’t have picked a better person with whom to have my first serious relationship. But he’s not so great at break-ups.

My dad has always brought me tons of groceries at school, including huge amounts of canned vegetables. Then my parents yell at me when they come to help me move out of school because of how many cans I have left over. I guess they think I should consume at least three a day on average.

Thus, any time I was hungry and being particularly lazy, I would ask my ex-boyfriend to make me something to eat. So he usually made me a canned vegetable. I guess I was very fond of the corn.

It wasn’t until after he left that night that I really thought about how funny the gift truly was. It allowed me to step back and laugh at the situation a bit. And it wasn’t until much later that I realized that he had really been trying to provide me with a pleasant memory of what we had, even through something as simple as canned corn.

However, once my family was convinced I was done reeling from the break up, the canned corn gift became a target for teasing me. When Thanksgiving rolled around it was, “Hey, Jessie, could you bring some of your corn for dinner, I’m not sure if I’ll have enough.” When my most recent boyfriend and I broke up, he asked if he should bring some green beans over as a peace offering. I declined.

All in all, I’d say I came out of the break up a little bruised but better for it. As a result of the relationship, I have a better idea of what I want out of a partner and what I will and absolutely will not compromise on. There are a few words of advice for the recently broken up that I wish I had taken, however.

Sandra Ann Miller lays out the “Breakup Ground Rules” in her book, “A Girlfriend’s Guide to Getting Over Him,” but I think the rules apply to members of both sexes. She makes the reader swear to not call or e-mail the ex and not frequent places the ex goes for at least 30 days. She also tells the reader not to look for signs – such as consulting a Magic-8 Ball – that the break up is a temporary thing and that you will eventually get back together with your significant other. Generally, I’m a firm believer that it’s called a “break up” because it’s broken. It cannot be repaired.

Miller’s Rule No. 10 is perhaps the most important one to remember. “I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.”

And it is. At least I got a new state of mind and some canned corn out of the deal.

If life gives you corn, make cornbread. E-mail Jessica at jrp32@pitt.edu.