April Fools: The perfect crime?

Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

James McAfron thought he had committed the perfect crime.

When the unsuspecting proctors passed out the annual teacher evaluation questionnaires to the students in professor Julie Ludlainsford’s introduction to ethics class, they thought they could trust everyone in the lecture hall.

Then proctor Christopher McCloslters asked the question.

“Is there anyone who doesn’t have a number two pencil?”

When dozens of hands shot into the air, the two proctors, McCloslters and Eileen Gordon, folded their arms across their chests and exchanged a glance. They were going to have to watch this class.

And sure enough, there was a Pencil Burglar in the class, lurking unsuspectingly in the back seat.

Grand Pencil Larceny is one of the most common crimes on Pitt’s campus. While pencils can be stolen from individual students or even professors, most of the time, this crime occurs during the annual teacher evaluation surveys taken by nearly every class around midterms.

Out of every 10 pencils distributed, three are stolen and two are returned with bite marks on them. Occasionally, erasers are missing.

As the students filled in the tiny circles on their questionnaires, McAfron, a sophomore, slipped the pencil into his jacket before hastily looking around to see if he was caught. But his eyes must have missed Gordon’s, which were watching his every move.

McAfron only made one mistake, Gordon said. After stealing the pencil, he began to walk out of the classroom without handing in his question sheets.

“Naturally, I had been watching him from the beginning, but he still had a chance to get away,” Gordon said. “If he would have returned his sheets, he might have gotten lost or confused with the other 70 students in the class.”

As McAfron headed toward the back doors, his steps growing more confident with the distance put between him and his seat, Gordon picked up her Walkie-Talkie and called for backup.

Within minutes, two Pitt police officers, Michelle Markles and Alisah Mitchel, were chasing down McAfron. The officers, who had been informed by Gordon that the suspect was a man in a red hooded sweatshirt, finally cornered McAfron near Posvar Hall’s home plate.

“Drop the pencil!” Officer Markles shouted, brandishing a can of pepper spray. “Just drop the pencil and slowly put your hands in the air.”

As an eager crowd gathered around the scene, McAfron grew increasingly worried. Like a frightened animal, he frantically looked around before making a mad dash for the exit.

But his attempts were futile. Markles and Mitchel tackled him instantly, and after a brief struggle, the thief was arrested.

“This is just one small victory in the War on Grand Pencil Larceny,” Mitchel proclaimed after the arrest. “There are still a lot of Pencil Burglars out there, but in this case, justice has been served.”