April Fools: All rejoice: Nelson visits

Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

Classes were cancelled, students swarmed the streets in droves and general pandemonium erupted across Pitt’s campus last Friday, all because of three simple words.

Craig T. Nelson.

Nelson, famous for his role as Coach Haydn Fox on the TV series “Coach,” arrived in Pittsburgh on Friday to start production on the movie “Steel City Massacre,” which will be filmed in Oakland and the surrounding neighborhoods. Nelson has also starred in the film “Poltergeist” and was the voice of Mr. Incredible in the Disney-Pixar film “The Incredibles.”

“As soon as we heard Mr. Nelson would be coming we said, hey, nobody’s going to go to class anyway. We might as well call them off,” Max Thaler, a University official, said.

Police blocked off traffic on Forbes Avenue and Bigelow Boulevard to make way for the arrival of the film crew. Students started lining the streets at 7 a.m. in order to get a good spot to await Nelson’s arrival. By noon, Forbes Avenue and Bigelow Boulevard were packed with thousands of students.

“Dude, Coach is coming! I’m so freaking stoked!” sophomore Dirk Steele said. He then chugged a beer and bashed his head against a parking meter.

“Craig T. has always been an inspiration to me. He’s the reason I went into acting. I mean, come on, the man’s a genius. Ever see a little show called ‘The District?'” theater major Hercules Jefferson said.

The movie crew began setting up in front of the Cathedral of Learning around 1 p.m.

Nelson finally arrived around 3 p.m. His trailer parked outside of the Cathedral, and when Nelson emerged, the crowd exploded in cheers. The Pitt Varsity Marching Band had set up in front of the Union and began playing the theme from “Coach.” Nelson smiled and gave thumbs up to his fans.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was there to welcome Nelson to Pittsburgh and awarded him the key to the city. A makeshift podium was set up and Ravenstahl gave a short speech.

“Pittsburgh doesn’t get a lot of attention from Hollywood, so when a movie is filmed here, it’s really special. But Craig T. Nelson? We couldn’t have asked for a better actor or a finer human being to be shooting a movie in our great city,” Ravenstahl said.

Ravenstahl was quick to note other movies that have been filmed in Pittsburgh.

“Well, Dennis Quaid was just here. And they shot some scenes from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ in the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial. And then there was ‘Flashdance.’ And, well, uh, what was that one with Bruce Willis as a river cop? ‘Striking Distance?’ That was good, right?”

Nelson then took the stage and said a few words.

“Thank you. It feels great to be here in the best city in America. Let me just say, your towels may be terrible, but I certainly can’t say the same for your delicious Primanti Brothers sandwiches.”

The crowd then started chanting, “Nelson! Nelson!” as he left the podium and returned to his trailer. One girl lifted up her shirt, exposing her breasts, in a desperate attempt to gain Nelson’s attention.

“Steel City Massacre” centers on Duncan McMurphy, a no-nonsense tough-guy, renegade cop, played by Nelson, who gets partnered with an uptight, “by the book” robot cop, the ZR-119 Enforcer. They must team up to defeat McMurphy’s evil twin brother and crime lord, who plans to blow up the Cathedral of Learning and kill the Pittsburgh Steelers. The release date is set for summer 2008.

“Dude, ‘Steel City Massacre’ sounds freaking sweet! I’m seeing it at least nine times. I freaking love Craig T.!” Steele said.

“They say actors should never work with robots, but if anyone can pull it off, I know my man Craig T. can do it,” Jefferson said.