Explore all of your rights

Just as everyone hates New Jersey except for a few of its residents, everyone hates puns… Just as everyone hates New Jersey except for a few of its residents, everyone hates puns except the people who make them. Among bad jokes, only puns provoke outright contempt as a rule. If after winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Nelson Mandela began his acceptance speech, “The ‘Piece’ Prize? I want the whole thing!” the dignitaries in attendance would have shouted him down and tried him for crimes against humanity.

However, in spite of this backlash, on this day of foolery, I want to encourage you all to not fear. Our constitutional guarantee to freedom of speech extends even to puns. You have Natural Rights. No, Natural Rights are not a brand of beer; they are inalienable protections of individual sovereignty. As a card-carrying member of the National Libertarian Party, I will take the plunge on puns today. Here are some of our more punny rights:

Reproductive Rights: Women have reproductive rights. This is very clear when you consider that, a hundred years ago, women only had about three rights, and now there’s gotta be 50 of them.

Right to the Pursuit of Happiness: Anyone who questions this right got shown up on Dec. 15, 2006, when Will Smith taught everyone to believe again as a hard-on-his-luck salesman reaching for the stars in “The Pursuit of Happyness.” You might argue, “But Lewis, that’s the pursuit of ‘Happyness,’ not happiness.” But if we’re going to take spelling seriously, then actually all we have left is the right to the pursuit of “hapineff.” I might say that Will Smith did more in “The Pursuit of Happyness” for the cause of liberty than any American in history, but I’d be neglecting Smith’s work in “Independence Day” when he saved America from alien invasion and thereby proved that natural rights are, in fact, inalienable. Likewise, although published before our nation’s birth, Smith’s “Wealth of Nations” advanced the economic liberty responsible for our high standard of living.

Right to Life: If you look on the side of the box, you’ll see clearly that Quaker Oats Company owns the right to Life, Cinnamon Life, Honey Graham Life, Life Vanilla Yogurt Crunch and Life Chocolate Oat Crunch. Milton Bradley also commands the right to Life, although Hasbro has recently purchased Milton Bradley, granting Hasbro the right to the ever-popular board game.

Freedom of Assembly: If you have ever bought an 8-pound Oreck XL, you know that in the United States there is no assembly required. I have personally defied the Lego Corporation on this account many times.

Copyrights: If you are standing collinear with or between, two strangers, and the person in front of you successfully duplicates one or more pieces of paper, then leaves, there’s a good chance that you now have the copyright, provided you brought enough dimes. Contact your local patent lawyer or librarian if you feel someone has infringed upon your copyright.

Right to the Right: If you face North, the East is to your right. In a two-dimensional country like America, no one can take that away from you. This can get confusing, because you also have a Right to the Right to the Right