Rockers get dumb about doing drugs

Rock stars love drugs.

This simple fact has been known and well documented since before… Rock stars love drugs.

This simple fact has been known and well documented since before the dawn of time. Or at least since before the ’80s, when we were all born.

I bring this up because, as you may or may not know but surely should have expected, Snoop Dogg has finally been charged with marijuana and gun possession, an offense for which he was arrested last October. Mr. Dogg, as he will be known in the court of law, was first arrested last fall. Authorities searched his car, which was illegally parked in a passenger loading zone at a Los Angeles airport, and found a handgun and some weed. With the formal charges set against him, Mr. Dogg could face up to four years in prison.

Will he serve them? Oh, hell no.

Let’s be real – celebrities never actually go to jail for more than a night or two, and if they do, their “jail” term just means they can’t leave their backyard. Pretty harsh.

Now, conversely, rappers do tend to go to jail for long periods of time, but Snoop Dogg has been more of a celebrity than a rapper ever since he started acting in bad movies and hanging around MTV years ago. The celebrity-skipping-jail double standard, though a pretty messed-up issue, is not the one at hand here, and neither is the argument that stars should be role models for us kids. So, let’s forget about those two for now.

Let’s be realistic. I know that musicians are going to do drugs, but why are they so stupid about it?

I mean, seriously, Snoop – sorry, I mean Mr. Dogg – you left your cannabis-filled car in a no-parking zone. You’re practically the godfather of getting high, and you were about as discreet as a drunken freshman stumbling through Towers lobby at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, shouting, “I promise drunk, I’m not officer.” Shouldn’t you be better at this by now? You’re 35 years old, so it’s time to stop getting caught like a teenager.

And Snoop Dogg is not the only one. Rock stars have been getting busted like fools for years. Just a month ago, John Popper, the formerly huge singer and harmonica player from Blues Traveler, was pulled over while in a car driving – get this – at 111 miles per hour. And – surprise! – he had enough illegal guns in the car for a small army, as well as some pot and paraphernalia.

Similarly, Stone Temple Pilots and also (unfortunately) Velvet Revolver singer Scott Weiland was arrested a few years ago after cops found narcotics in his car, which he was driving at night without the headlights on.

And, in possibly the flat-out weirdest drug-related rock star news, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards recently admitted to attempting to snort his father’s ashes, mixed with cocaine of course, up his near-century-old nose. And though he has since revoked the statement, one’s got to wonder: What makes these rock stars so stupid to think that they can get away doing or saying such ridiculous things?

Maybe it’s the fact that some rock stars, who, night after night, stand on a stage in front of adoring fans, let the attention get to their heads. Maybe these guys think that this admiration, this sense of godliness, can translate off the stage as well, allowing them to be careless about, say, turning on their headlights when driving at night.

Or maybe I’m delving too deep into the minds of rock stars, and the only thing contributing to their dumb behavior is that they’re too high to realize how careless they are.

Now in no way am I supporting rock-star drug use – I mean, it’s killed off more than a few of the good ones. Rather, I find it intriguing that these people, larger than life onstage and on record, are often so pathetically human in their mistakes. Rock stars are supposed to be these badasses, getting away with all the debauchery and craziness that comes with the job. In truth, they are often just as dumb about smoking pot as that kid in high school who tried to grow it in his basement, forgetting that his mom did laundry down there.

Rock stars getting busted has a negative effect on their fans. First, our idols are brought down to earth, revealed as the regular dudes they really are – certainly disenchanting for hardcore fans. It’s hard to view someone as a rock god after seeing his mug shot. Still, when a rock star gets arrested, it somehow legitimizes his rock star mystique – we know just how badass, albeit stupid, he really is.

It’s safe to say that as long as drugs exist, there will be rock stars to do them.

But really, rock stars, we in the world of fandom don’t need to see you getting busted for being morons. So party on: Just don’t park the car in a no-parking zone, because that’s just dumb.

Tell Justin how you party like a rock star – without getting caught – by emailing him at jhj11@pitt.edu.