Have some style when hatin’

I always alternate between columns about nothing in particular and columns about political… I always alternate between columns about nothing in particular and columns about political issues. When I forget which type was my last column, I check my e-mail. If my last column was about politics, chances are my inbox has a lot of hate mail left over.

If you’re going to player-hate, please do so responsibly. Here are some tips on sending me hate mail:

First and foremost, please remember to put “YOU SUCK!!!” in the subject heading in the tradition of my worst fans. Sometimes someone sends me a hate e-mail that has “My thoughts on your column” in the subject heading – I guess to trick me. I really like to read my hate mail though, so you’re more likely to hear back from me with a prompt and venomous reply if you’re clear up-front.

Don’t call my column “unreadable.” If you couldn’t read it, what could you have to say? If anyone tells me “your column was unreadable,” I want the next sentence to be: “I suggest you quit using the Wingdings font.” But since I never use Wingdings, whenever someone says, “Your column was unreadable,” I think it’s really strange that this person can type but not read.

I disapprove when people impoverish our language like this. Take the “right” to health care. If we use the word “right” for “entitlement,” what word will distinguish that which we formerly called a “right?” Likewise, if we use “unreadable” when we mean “A PIECE OF CRAP!!!,” how do we describe things of high quality that are nonetheless illegible, like the Rosetta Stone or the besmirched first draft of a symphony written with a runny quill?

Please include an advertisement for unbeatable deals on Cialis soft tabs as an attachment to your hate mail. Ninety percent of my emails include unbeatable deals on Cialis soft tabs, so when you send an e-mail without a Cialis soft tabs offer or one that quotes a price above “rock bottom,” it makes me think you don’t care. Including a Cialis soft tabs offer in your hate mail isn’t a requirement, but it’s an act of courtesy and propriety that sends a message about your character.

There is one argument that works really well to defeat my positions: If I oppose X, just say, “You wouldn’t be so opposed to X if you gained from X.” This is unbeatable, because one of my biggest flaws is that I argue from public interest. I fail to recall that, were I to benefit from something to the extent that my rationality on the matter was compromised, I wouldn’t display uncompromised rationality. For example, if I argue against farm subsidies, it’s pretty clear that I’m wrong, because if I were a farmer nursing at the teat of the corporate welfare state, I would probably support farm subsidies. I’m an especially big hypocrite given I support laser tag vouchers for people named Lewis Lehe, even though I’m the only Lewis Lehe in the world and the only person I know who likes laser tag a lot.

Don’t be reasonable at all. Honestly, by the time I read your hate mail, I’m so sick of considering whichever issue my column addressed that I don’t want to single coherent syllogism. If you really feel you’ve got to actually reference the column, don’t say anything that logically dovetails with what you’re complaining about. Instead, just paste a line from my column that you don’t like and then write, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!” or, “WTF?!!!”0 Also, if there’s anything I didn’t say in my column but which you also disagree with, attribute it to me and then attack me for that, too. Like if I claim that the Republicans are using tax incentives to unwisely plan the economy, say, “I guess we should just jack up taxes and let government doctors control our lives then, huh, Hillary-lover?!” You’ll find I’m never so polemically paralyzed as when you attack me for positions I don’t hold.

Make things up. One exemplary player-hater had the courtesy to remind me, “We live in a Social Darwinian society, where only the strong survive.” When I read an argument predicated on such false grounds, it’s like watching a horror movie: fun, but only because you know it’s not real.

As you can see, arguing well is complicated, so if you’re ever in doubt, just attack me and not my column. Since I’m a libertarian, you can mistake me for either a liberal or a conservative, and I’ll get mad. Attack me by e-mail, but if possible, go ahead and punch me in the face while I’m walking to church or something. I have little eyes, a thin mouth and prominent cheekbones, so it’s easy to punch me in the face and say, “I hate you a lot!” without doing any real damage that you’d regret later on. Consider: You don’t want to give me two black eyes and then have no eyes left to blacken when I come out with yet another column featuring, or maybe even not featuring, ideas that you disagree with.

Bring the hate. E-mail Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu or just wait and beat him up after church.