The Cubs are for sale, and Littman want ’em

Last week one of America’s greatest treasures went on sale: the Chicago Cubs.

The Tribune… Last week one of America’s greatest treasures went on sale: the Chicago Cubs.

The Tribune Co. announced the Cubs had been acquired by billionaire investor Sam Zell, who said he has no interest in holding onto the team. He is part owner of the cross-town rival White Sox, as well as the Bulls.

So, at the end of this season, the Cubs will officially be up for grabs. If the future owner is going to follow the lead of the club he purchases, look for the owner to be someone who drastically overpays for drastically underachieving performance.

Some big names are reportedly interested in purchasing the team, which should make for a great bidding war. One is Pittsburgh native and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Early indications show that his biggest competition for the team is former owner of nearly every Phoenix-based sports team, Jerry Colangelo, and comedic genius Bill Murray, both of whom hail from the Chicago area.

While all seem like worthy candidates, I disagree.

First up is Colangelo who has owned or been a part owner of the Suns, Diamondbacks, Phoenix Mercury of the WNBA and Arizona Rattlers of the Arena Football League. He is now the sole director of USA Basketball.

My problem with Colangelo owning the Cubs is that I feel he has his hands full with USA Basketball. In the 2006 FIBA World Championships, USA took the bronze medal. Worst of all, they seemed satisfied with it.

The Cubs don’t deserve another owner who is willing to accept anything less than winning. On the other hand, it is a technique their fans have excelled at for decades.

I’ll admit, seeing Mark Cuban own a baseball team would be very amusing. Imagine Bud Selig trying to manage Cuban, along with the fact that within six or seven years, it’s very likely that the all-time hits and home run leaders in baseball history both won’t be in the Hall of Fame.

It has been noted that Cuban is also interested in purchasing the Pirates. So I think everyone around these parts would much rather see him try to turn them around than the Cubs. I would as well.

As for Bill Murray, I can’t think of any reasons to hope he doesn’t buy the Cubs.

The only negative is the risk of attacks on Wrigley Field by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would greatly increase. For the sake of Bill Murray buying the Cubs, I’d feel safer if he bought the team along with Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson.

With all the attention focused on these three potential suitors, the candidate I feel is most fit for the job is flying heavily under the radar. That’s why I would like to officially announce that I have thrown myself into the mix and will vie for a chance to buy the Cubs this year.

It’s true that I’m not a Cubs fan, nor have I ever visited the state of Illinois, but those are minor setbacks in an otherwise promising future. I’ve watched baseball since I can remember, and I think throwing a fan in charge of a whole organization is just what the Cubs need to finally return to greatness, even if I’m not a fan of theirs.

There is the issue of actually purchasing the team. Early estimates have the Cubs priced around $600 million and possibly higher than that. To say I need a little loan would be a mammoth understatement.

This is why I’m calling for any and all financial backers to help me out. There comes a time in every boy’s life, right after he realizes he isn’t skilled enough to make the Major Leagues, when he convinces himself that owning a baseball team would be just as great. Well, this is our time to do exactly that.

Owning the Cubs is such a low-risk investment, I don’t know why anyone with a spare $600 million wouldn’t consider bidding on the team. If we make a few bad moves and the Cubs lose, welcome to the club. It’s been 99 years since they last won the World Series.

But if by chance we put a team together that wins, we’ll own Chicago. Everywhere we go, people will cheer and pay for our meals and drinks. We’ll have an endless supply of free deep dish pizza.

Ditka. Jordan. Us.

The Cubs would be the greatest collection of toys ever. Life-sized action figures that play on their own while we can sit back and enjoy the show.

We’d have Carlos Zambrano, who is the equivalent of that one toy that never breaks. Throw him down a flight of stairs, run over him with a toy truck or give him no run support, and yet you know next time you want to use him he’ll be ready.

Then there’s Alfonso Soriano, who is the overpriced toy you had to have. He’s fun at first, but eventually you’ll become bored because you spent all that money and he doesn’t even have karate-chop action. Nor does he have a good on-base percentage or field well at any position.

But you can’t do much better than having Lou Piniella as manager. Between confrontation with umpires and press conferences, that’s hours of amusement.

Unfortunately we would also own Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. They’re like the baseball player version of those tiny Army toys with the parachutes that would open up when you drop them from an elevated height. They’re really fun to play with once, but then they never work again, and you want to throw them away.

As you can see, Mr. Murray, the Cubs would be a great fit for both you and me. You could add me into the investment group listed above. I’d be the group’s Rick Moranis.

While I have no ownership experience, excluding the occasional fantasy baseball team, I see this working out well for both of us. Plus, if a billy goat had a ticket to a game, I’d let him sit in the stands to watch it, no questions asked.

Best of all, I just want to own a baseball team because of my love of the sport. I’m not trying to take over the world like a certain Chicagoan. I’m not Oprah, and as Carl Spackler once said, “So I got that going for me, which is nice.”