April cinema will rouse slumbering film industry

If there’s anything more exciting than spring weather, it’s the vast improvement in… If there’s anything more exciting than spring weather, it’s the vast improvement in mainstream movie releases. After suffering through the no man’s land of late January through March, Hollywood finally grants us projects with a prayer.

April 6 “Grindhouse”

If Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez seem perfect on their own, just wait for their co-directorial effort. For “Grindhouse,” each director wrote his own segment in the style of B-grade, grindhouse thrillers – in other words, no amount of sex, violence or exploitation could be too much.

Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror” and Tarantino’s “Death Proof” will play back to back with fake trailers linking the two together. From a girl with a leg-gun to endless pairs of booty shorts, “Grindhouse” promises to hammer together pulpy pizzazz and mindless gore-fests.

“The Reaping”

Horror film plots tend to get tired and old, but “The Reaping” aims for one of the oldest storylines of all. Katherine Winter (Hilary Swank), a former Christian missionary, travels to a small town to investigate a series of peculiar occurrences.

The events seem to mimic the 10 biblical plagues, and the skeptic soon discovers that the behavior of a strange young girl might explain what science can’t. While the premise might seem a bit hokey, there’s no denying the creepiness of a billion locusts.

April 13 “Perfect Stranger”

When the local news beat gets tiresome, might as well switch to exposing corporate murderers. In director James Foley’s “Perfect Stranger,” a journalist (Halle Berry) goes undercover to reveal a big-time exec (Bruce Willis) as the killer of her best friend. Naturally, the story takes on a seductive edge to mingle sexy outfits with good, old-fashioned investigative reporting.

“Pathfinder”

Looking for fabulous action scenes in a dark-and-gruesome historical setting? Look no further, because “Pathfinder” is set to deliver Vikings, half-naked men and brutal battles. When a Norse expedition leaves behind a boy in North America, he grows into a warrior (Karl Urban) who’s torn between the loyalties of blood and his newfound people in the new world. Expect uplifting speeches and plenty of moving death scenes.

“Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters”

Check out the burning chicken. Over and out.

April 20 “Vacancy”

In a positively brilliant twist of plot, a girl (Kate Beckinsale) and a guy (Luke Wilson) take a detour in an epic about trying to escape from a hotel room. It’s just as impossible as it sounds, and the two find themselves thwarted by such obstacles as unbreakable glass and what we can only assume is a broken ice machine. “Vacancy” promises cheap scares, creepy villains and obligatory moments of Beckinsale hotness.

“The Fracture”

With a strange mixture of “Law ‘ Order” and “Silence of the Lambs,” “The Fracture” stars Anthony Hopkins as a cold-blooded murderer who stumps an assistant DA (Ryan Gosling) with a slew of technicalities and sneaky legal arguments. While it’s unlikely that Hopkins will try to take a bite out of Gosling, it’s safe to expect a similar level of sheer psychological terror.

“Hot Fuzz”

It seemed impossible to top “Shaun of the Dead,” but Simon Pegg is back and ready to emulate every Jerry Bruckheimer movie ever made. When Sergeant Angel (Pegg) is reassigned to a low-key beat with an idiotic partner for being too efficient, he discovers that the supposedly crime-free town is actually a vortex of violence and general mayhem. Alright, so there are no zombies, but rampant explosions and British humor almost make up for their absence.

April 27 “The Invisible”

Finally: Teenage angst gets translated to the big screen. In “The Invisible,” Justin (Nick Powell) realizes that his worst fear has come true – he’s invisible to family, friends and the ladies. To return to the land of us caring, Justin must solve the mystery of his own murder. Sure, the premise is the opposite of “The Sixth Sense,” but we’ll probably be safe from the M. Night Shyamalan brand of surprise twists.

“Next”

Oh, yes – Nicolas Cage can look into the future. In “Next,” Agent Ferris (Julianne Moore) tries to convince the prophetic Johnson (Cage) to aid in the prevention of a nuclear attack on Los Angeles. His natural hesitancy – there are clearly better things to do with talents like that – paves the way to reluctant heroics and all the excitement that comes along with a last-minute rescue.

Between battles, horror fests and Nicolas Cage (looking into the future, mind you), this month bodes relatively well in the grand scheme of 2007. But even if they aren’t all gems, they’ll at least tide us over until “Spider-Man 3.”