Combat Communism on Mars

A couple decades ago, the beacon of freedom we like to call the United States of America… A couple decades ago, the beacon of freedom we like to call the United States of America successfully stopped the spread of communism. America won the Cold War, the least violent “war” in the history of fighting, and everybody lived happily ever after.

Right?

Wrong.

They covered the globe with voting booths and American flag toothpicks. They even went pretty high up into the sky, slapping the gray surface of the moon with the good ol’ red white and blue. Turns out, they didn’t go far enough.

Last week Russia and China, both proud communists, signed an agreement to join forces in sending an unmanned shuttle mission to Mars. A Chinese satellite will piggy-back on a Russian shuttle, and will be released to orbit the planet. No word yet on whether or not the satellite will “really hate” or just “strongly disagree with” a free market economy.

Being one of South Oakland’s leading experts on astronomy and international economics, this information scares me. In my eyes, this can only be seen as an attempt at a hostile takeover. The communists failed to spread their ideals on Earth, so now they’re flying into outer space to create a completely “Red” planet.

At first glance, this seemed like a non-issue. The moon is already ours, and we’re not giving it up anytime soon. Mars is pretty far away, and the idea of having fewer Communists here on this planet didn’t sound so bad.

My mind changed after watching a few very realistic documentaries: “Independence Day,” “Mars Attacks,” “Dude, Where’s my Car?” and “E.T.” Aliens have been here before and will continue to visit our cute, little planet for centuries to come.

With the death of “Dot.Coms,” the music industry on its last legs and more and more business going overseas, the American economy needs a pick-me-up. The extraterrestrial tourism industry may not be producing too much profit now, but it’s an up-and-coming business with more untapped potential than the Boston Celtics. Flying saucers full of camera-flashing green men are on their way, and when they get here they’re going to want cheap T-shirts and novelty coffee mugs.

That’s why this Russian/Chinese space mission is a problem. Mars is a pretty good stop-over spot on the way to Earth. If the aliens stop there and the Commies are in charge, they might be brainwashed into throwing away their love of outrageous materialism and foolishly unnecessary spending. How can we get their Martian money if they’re too busy waiting in breadlines and reading Karl Marx?

This also has the potential to hurt our job market. Pretty soon, when the government finalizes their plans and kicks all the illegal immigrants out of the country, there will be many openings for below-minimum wage work. Now, if all of the Americans who have complained about illegal immigrants taking their jobs go and fill in the spots as landscapers and dishwashers, there will be a huge void in the upper echelon of our economy.

This could be a perfect scenario for visiting aliens. With their elite educations and technological advances, they would make a great fit for our next generation of doctors, lawyers and businessmen. However, if the China-Russia partnership turns them into equality-loving sharers, they won’t care about the increased financial status and will have no motivation to become America’s new upper class.

There’s no question that something must be done to stop this, and there are a number of different solutions. The cleanest and easiest course of action involves, as always, nuclear weapons. Communism can’t spread to Mars if there is no Mars. With one push of a button, President Bush could give elementary school students one less planet to memorize.

For all you longhaired, dove-huggers who don’t support nuclear war, we could always just try getting there first. I know that we’ve already sent that billion dollar remote control car to Mars to pick up rocks, but if America is going to come out of this on top, we need to man up and send some actual people up there. My suggestion is Bill Gates or that Xerxes guy from “300,” giving lectures about the benefits of capitalism.

My favorite solution would fix the immediate problem and broadcast our philosophies to the universe all at the same time. Instead of fighting for Mars, let’s buy it. If Russia and China complain, we’ll buy them too. Heck, we’ll by everything and everyone, on this planet and beyond. We’ll show those crying communists how capitalistic capitalism can be.

Politicians will make these decisions. So, for the little guys, this is how you can do your part. Buy, sell, spend and waste. If for nothing else, do it for the children. Email Sam at Seg23@pitt.edu, or use the U.S. Postal Service, because that costs money.