April Fools: Pitt football on campus

Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

Pitt football will soon be closer to the University.

Yesterday, head coach Dave Wannstedt revealed plans to build a new on-campus football stadium at Pitt’s South Side practice facility.

“This is the beginning of a new era – a new old era, because we want to take things back to the old days,” the third-year head coach said at a press conference yesterday, rustling his mustache. “Hopefully the atmosphere will bring back the toughness that was embodied by Pitt Stadium. Then, maybe, we’ll start to make more plays.”

The atmosphere to which Wannstedt referred wasn’t necessarily keyed around Pitt’s campus. He was talking about the design for the 40,000-seat stadium, which he drew himself.

“The new stadium will be a steel mill,” Wannstedt said. “Everyone knows I grew up working in a steel mill, and look at me now. That’s how I want our guys to be, and that’s how I want to represent the University of Pittsburgh.

“Plus, you know, maybe we can bring back some of Pittsburgh’s steel industry at the same time.”

Simultaneous with the construction of the new stadium, independent bricklayers have drafted an arbitrary border to Western Pennsylvania and have started work on a 20-foot brick wall spanning it. The wall, which Wannstedt spoke of last year, will be used to keep Western Pennsylvania’s top football recruits from leaving the area.

“The wall is something I’ve had in the back of my mind for a while now,” Wannstedt added. “Now, hopefully, we can get the kind of gritty, Western Pennsylvania guys I want in here so we can all start seeing some real progress.”

According to Wannstedt, the seats will be in the middle of the mill, surrounded by the ovens and workers making the steel. When asked about the possible risk of death should one of the ovens explode or any other accidents occur, Wannstedt offered just as scary an answer.

“Well, the way I look at it is this: Some people just aren’t going to be with us, and that’s fine. If you want to quit or bail, we don’t need you. We’ll get another horse. That’s what Western Pennsylvania football is all about.”

Some of the Panthers had mixed feelings about the new stadium, which is set to open for the 2008 season.

“I don’t know man, that seems a little extreme,” sophomore wide-out T.J. Porter said. “I mean, yeah, we want to be tough and everything, but I don’t think risking death is the right way to do it. But we’ll play where we have to.”

Former quarterback Tyler Palko thought the new stadium was such a good idea he spent hours on the phone yesterday, calling different media outlets himself just to check if they needed any quotes.

“By far this is the greatest thing to happen to Pitt football since Walt Harris,” Palko said from an undisclosed location where he prepares for this month’s NFL Draft. “Coach Wannstedt definitely has the right idea. I mean football is a tough game, that’s why not everyone can play it. We can, and we should give it everything we have, and I think this is going to put Pitt football back on the map. It’s just a shame I was a few years too early.”

Wannstedt suggested the idea for the new stadium, or mill, to Pitt’s marketing department as a possible reason to switch back to the script logo and uniforms. But, as confirmed by reports this morning, the Panthers will keep the new block logo and uniforms indefinitely because of adept marketing research.

“I only wish we could’ve worn the old uniforms more,” Palko added.

And Palko isn’t the only one with nostalgia. Several current players have started to wear extra-large script t-shirts over their practice pads, and several others have started growing Wannstaches.

The stadium has no official name yet, but rumors have indicated that “Allegheny County Steel Mill and Stadium” will be the likely tag.

The athletics department is drafting ticket plans for the new stadium, which will feature new season tickets for $4 per seat, but will require an extra $500 deposit for returning season-ticket holders to keep their seats.

“We want people to come,” athletics director Jeff Long said from a written speech yesterday. “The University of Pittsburgh is looking forward to this opportunity to actually sell out a game.”