Alien life demands extreme security measures

It’s a difficult time to be an American right now. We’re trapped in a war in Iraq that the… It’s a difficult time to be an American right now. We’re trapped in a war in Iraq that the majority of the country opposes. Our people are divided because of differing value systems. Terrorism is still a global threat. Iran may be offering a helping hand in killing our troops in the Middle East. We still don’t know where bin Laden is. Even worse, not only is Barack Obama a dirty smoker, but some critics have said he’s not “black enough.” Indeed, it is a trying time in our country. And things are about to get worse.

Apparently NASA has found evidence that there may be water on Mars. Images from a camera on NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter contain findings that indicate there are areas where fluids – possibly water – pass through bedrock. This makes the likelihood for life forms on the red planet much higher. And frankly, this terrifies me.

Life on Mars means two things: illegal immigrants and outsourcing. It’s also a pretty good song by David Bowie, but this is not a god awful small affair. Frankly, I’d rather see sailors fighting in the dance hall.

Think about it. The United States settles Mars. Martians figure out how much less ugly Earth is than the red planet, and they sneak their way across the solar system to find a better livelihood. Now they are living illegally in our towns, cities and states, obtaining all of the jobs Americans crave. And unfortunately, “Men in Black II” wasn’t a good enough movie for Will Smith to save our asses a third time around.

This wouldn’t be a problem if Martian labor wasn’t so cheap. Everyone knows that the Martian larmax is only equal to fifty cents of a U.S. dollar. This means that these little green men will work for extremely low wages and hardworking Americans will be left in the dust.

Not only is Martian labor cheap, but the Martian language is probably going to be a difficult one to learn. We can only assume that they won’t be willing to learn English, so we’ll have to start taking classes to learn their language, which will be immensely hard if they communicate via telepathy.

The Martian president has failed to comment on any of this.

While all this is going on, there will be a battle among our very own people about what we should do to end this illegal inter-planet immigration.

On the right, we’ll have crazy gun-toting conservatives from the “Independence Day” school of thought saying that the aliens have only one intention for us: extermination. Some will even go as far as saying that we must deport every illegal alien we find and fine employers who hired them.

On the left, the drug addicted, free loving, hippy liberals will come from the “Mission to Mars” school of thought that claims that we and the Martians are all the same. They’ll say the Martians are not aliens, but instead they’re carbon-based life forms just like you and me. They’ll want amnesty and zero consequences for those breaking the law.

So what is a logical resolution we can all agree on? Well, NASA has gone ahead and begun the solution. Scientists have theorized that when NASA’s Viking space probes of 1976-77 landed on Mars and searched for life, they may have inadvertently killed microbes.

See, while they were searching for Earth-like life, NASA may have overheated and drowned hydrogen-peroxide-based life. And I applaud NASA for this courage.

If there are only microbes living on Mars now that only gives us about four billion years until intelligent life exists there – that’s less time than the 2008 presidential candidates have to campaign.

But we still must be proactive in protecting our planet. We cannot assume that NASA will be able to kill every living thing on Mars. I propose we build an enormous fence around the Earth, much like the atmosphere but made out of metal. When the alien menace makes it to this fence, they’ll realize their 35-million-mile journey was all for nothing.

Lou Dobbs should start promoting this plan as soon as possible.

Building a fence around the entire earth is going to take a lot of money and resources. Luckily, this project will create many jobs for Americans. We will be willing to pay any able-bodied American up to $8 for this task! Sounds lucrative, does it not?

But come to think of it, $8 is a lot to pay people, especially this many people. If only there was some work force in America now that would be willing to work for less money than the average American. If only there were people in this country who risked their lives to get here and experience the freedom we were given as a birthright. Where can we find people like that?

E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu with the best Will Smith quote from “Independence Day.”