Fishing for someone to blame

As the very real holiday, National Marine Ecology Afternoon Day, is nearing, I thought I… As the very real holiday, National Marine Ecology Afternoon Day, is nearing, I thought I should lend my voice to the cause of wildlife preservation. In particular, I want to direct your attention to a species of fish that is being forced into extinction from its region: the Potomac elle fish.

Once found in massive schools boiling the capital’s river that is its namesake, this precious species loses more and more of its population every day.

Local fishermen share some of the blame.

“Those stupid fish keep winding up in our crab traps,” explained Rusty Crockett, one such salty dog. They are released back into the river from these traps designed for slow-moving crustaceans. But anecdotes of certain tagged elle fish returning to these traps suggested to the locals that these fish can’t remember anything at all.

Yet, lack of memory is not the reason for their recent endangerment. The common belief that these fish have no memory is no more than a folk legend. In fact, they are quite capable of remembering and learning many different things.

The Potomac elle fish uses its olfactory glands to mark its territory; it remembers its own smell and stays within those chosen borders. This gland is also used to find the tributary where the fish was spawned so that it can return each year to mate. These memories last nearly the lifetime of each fish.

There are those who say this isn’t evidence of memory and that this is merely hardwired instinct. But, this remarkable species is able to identify, out of a school of its brethren, its territorial rivals and other opponents.

There is a famous case of Fish L – an elle fish studied during the course of river research. Fish L, after conspiring with some of his closest fish friends, released the identity of a covert agent of the school in order to obfuscate and confuse the debate created by said agent’s husband’s vociferous criticism of the school’s foreign policy.

Another studied specimen was labeled Fish A. Using the reflective scales on its side, Fish A was able to signal to his superiors, instructing them to deny proper security clearances to his own department’s investigators seeking to discern his involvement in the creation and implementation of an expansive domestic wiretapping program. At the same time, Fish A granted said clearances to investigators seeking to identify the whistleblower who alerted the school of this activity outside of the law.

And yet, sometimes this specimen’s aggressive tendencies have resulted in the ruling elite of the school to wage a war against its citizens. Behind promises to abide by the letter of the law, the elle fish have created a culture of lawbreaking that has seeped down the school’s hierarchy to those beneath them.

The dean of the school – for lack of a better term, “presifish” might also be used – says it’s OK to ignore certain provisions in laws he signs. So it should be no surprise that the Fish B.I. is violating every fish’s privacy by unlawfully demanding that Internet Service Providers hand over information, without warrant or subpoena, on their customers and their financial, purchasing and entertainment activities.

With all this intentional activity perpetrated repeatedly over the course of several years, it seems silly to believe any claims that these fish cannot recall their important actions. And yet, ardent defenders of the fish continually call for removal of traps from the river citing the elle fish’s inability to remember. They fight for this removal even in the face of evidence that this species is capable of retaining memory, also in the face of the main source of the elle fish’s increasing endangerment.

The true dilemma causing the depletion in their numbers lies in the fish’s own waste accumulating in the stagnant current, ultimately choking them. The waste is fed upon by surprisingly tenacious algae, Democratic victoritis. There has been a boom in the algae levels since last winter and it looks like the Potomac’s population is unable to adapt fast enough.

For years the fish has survived, relying mainly upon its ferocity and aggression, but it seems like their inability to manage their school has caught up with them. The Potomac elle fish needs your help if it’s going to make it.

Please send check or money order to me.

Arun regrets to inform you that he only – and ironically – accepts wampum. E-mail him at thefamilyatomics@gmail.com.