Who’s the daddy? Who cares?!

What is news? I’m not sure myself, really. Is it war in Iraq or genocide in Darfur?… What is news? I’m not sure myself, really. Is it war in Iraq or genocide in Darfur? Probably. Is it health care or the minimum-wage hike? Usually. Is it celebrity gossip and pop culture analysis? Unfortunately.

I stumbled over to CNN’s Web site the other day and saw a headline. It wasn’t just any headline. It read: “Anna Nicole Smith’s body embalmed.” Amazing, right? That’s what happens to a lot of deceased people. They get embalmed. It happens every day, everywhere. Is that news? I want the second back that I wasted reading the headline.

Anna Nicole Smith died on Feb. 8 at the age of 39. Death is almost always a tragic affair, especially when former presidents die and it becomes a week-long spectacle. But Smith wasn’t a president. She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Year in 1993, which to some people is more important. But come on. By the time anyone reads this, it will be the 22nd day after her death and she’ll still be in the news.

It really wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t in the news for all the wrong reasons. Would Smith want the news out that there are several men claiming they could be the father of her five-month-old baby? Usually people run away from paternity tests, but this child represents millions of Smith’s dollars. It wouldn’t have been much of a problem if her 20-year-old son, Daniel, hadn’t passed away on Sept. 10, 2006, three days after her baby was born. This drama has the ability to play itself out for months, and I’m sure it will.

As an aspiring journalist, my darkest fear in life is the possibility of one day having to cover Hollywood and celebrity life. Write about the countless stages of Smith’s afterlife for 25 days in a row? Thanks, but I’d rather be unemployed or homeless.

Maybe I’m being too critical here. Let’s move on to Britney Spears, one of the most popular pop icons of this generation. I’m sure we all know by now that Spears shaved her head bald and checked in and out of rehab several times in one week. This example is especially disturbing because the media gets to benefit from a problem it probably created.

A lot of people break down, but most of the time it isn’t media-induced. Constant media exposure and analysis combined with a relative loss of privacy probably has adverse effects on a person. Does Michael Jackson ring a bell?

It’s sad that the media, who played a large role in Spears’ eventual meltdown, now obsesses itself with reporting her worst times. And after she runs her course through the media gauntlet, someone will be there to take her place. I think the line of succession began with the circus trial of O.J. Simpson in the mid-1990s, but I’m pretty sure it’s been around longer than I have, and it will remain long after I’m gone.

People like Spears and Smith are good for our nation’s psyche. They give us something else to think about, a way of diverting attention away from important issues. Maybe people would just rather see images of Spears freaking out at the paparazzi with an umbrella than read about the chaos in Iraq or AIDS in Africa.

That’s why publications like The Onion and programs like The Daily Show provide humorous outlets to spice up an otherwise dismal news day. People like Spears and Smith are substitutes for people like Capt. Todd Seibert, 34, of Zelienople, Pa. He died in Iraq on Feb. 16 after only six weeks abroad, leaving behind a wife and two children.

No one wants to hear or read about war and death, disease and poverty, even though these issues have always and will always be pertinent issues in every society around the world. These are issues that enlighten and inform a society, even though they expose the worst fears and tears of that society.

I’m not one to say what is and isn’t news, I just have some opinions. I know that news outlets exist to inform and educate people within a certain market, just like sales executives. Sometimes that means reporting on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, sometimes it means reporting on President Bush’s musings on health care, and sometimes it means reporting on local events and happenings on campuses like Pitt. They all serve a purpose, and it seems to be working.

I guess when it’s all said and done, from Spears and Smith to Iraq and AIDS, it is all news in the end.

Who do you think the father is? E-mail Jared at jts13@pitt.edu