MTV’s sexed-up vacation

It’s that time of year again. Robins are chirping, the temperatures are rising above… It’s that time of year again. Robins are chirping, the temperatures are rising above freezing, and the laughably named Music Television Network has designated this week “MTV’s Spring Break 2007.”

Now, those of you with freakishly good memories may recall that a few months ago I swore off MTV as one of my New Year’s resolutions. For the most part, I’ve held fast to that promise, but I’m only human, and New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken. For me, the channel is like a plane crash, car wreck or other transportational disaster: As grotesque as it is, I just can’t look away.

Though I didn’t believe it to be possible, the already ridiculous network becomes even more so for its seven-day spring break celebration. While shows like “Next” and “Parental Control” maintain a consistent level of trashiness throughout the year, spring break gives MTV cause to take low-brow television to a whole new level of sleaziness.

This, of course, is accomplished by removing articles of clothing from the shows’ contestants. The women on the “Next” bus trade in their relatively modest tank tops and mini-skirts for barely-there bikinis while the idiotically muscular, evidently chauvinistic date accepts or rejects them based largely on their cup sizes – I mean, intellect and long-term compatibility.

But I can almost understand the increased sluttiness – it is, after all, a hallmark of the stereotypical, collegiate spring breaker. Less clear is the network’s decision to make its already tacky shows even cheesier. A normal episode of “Parental Control” would probably feature some vaguely athletic activity, like roller derby or tango lessons, followed by a picnic dinner.

Since it’s spring break, however, the show features a part-Hawaiian surfer riding an All-Terrain Vehicle along the beach and then serenading his woman with a ukulele. Where do they come up with this stuff?

In less than 45 minutes, I learned everything I needed to know about “MTV’s Spring Break 2007.” First, it would take a lot of money, complimentary accommodations and the promise of unlimited room service to get me within 100 miles of any MTV spring break locale.

Second, the people seen dancing in the background just before every commercial break are actually not having that much fun. It’s spring break, and they are stuck on some random platform listening to a balding guy in a headset tell them precisely when to begin gyrating.

Finally, I have to admit that, while my hatred for the network rages like the fire of 1,000 burning suns, there is a tiny part of me that can’t help but wonder what new absurdity is waiting just around the corner. And that is precisely what makes MTV the most stupidly brilliant network on television.

Share your distaste for gyrating spring breakers with Lindsay at blazin@pitt.edu.