Cruise: Maverick to Messiah

Scientology is a strange religion. I’m just going to throw caution to the wind and put that… Scientology is a strange religion. I’m just going to throw caution to the wind and put that in print.

Religion itself hasn’t made sense to me since I was in swaddling. To me, all religions are strange and baffling. And while most religions are free to the participants, it’s not just the monetary cost of salvation that kills me about Scientology. It’s that the whole religion centers around the exorcism of alien demons from your head. And yet, it is right there in the thick of it, vying for more and more of the millions of lost souls worldwide.

Usually, with most religions claiming to be the one true religion and path to salvation, I don’t know which to not consider a little more.

Until now, that is.

You see, Scientology has recently decided to do what no other religion has done for many thousands of years: update its messiah. L. Ron was getting a little dusty, they must have thought, and it was time for a change. This was probably a difficult, and yet historic brainstorming session amongst the elite of the religion – that believes if you get enough aliens out of your head, you can move things with your mind and never die, despite their founder having died.

The list of names probably extended past the infinities of space – being, at the very least, far out. But after what I’m sure was exhaustive debate and prayer or whatever, a choice was made – nay – revealed.

It’s Tom Cruise.

Seriously, the new “Christ” of Scientology is Tom Cruise. And “Christ” is their choice of title, sending a clear message to all of those critics who say that Scientology is nothing more than science fiction tripe that cribs its religious ideas from other religions: making fun of us is easy, won’t you please write about something else.

But I won’t.

Because David Miscavige, current leader of the religion, believes “that in the future [Cruise] will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion,” according to a report from a source close to the actor in Britain’s The Sun newspaper. Should this happen, it would turn the already awesome “Tom Cruise, Christ” business cards into little sacred, and presumably holographic, relics.

And looking back on the career of Cruise, it is interesting that he began life a Franciscan seminary student, had a brief stint acting and now at 44 is a Christ, making the major difference between the original Christ and Cruise that, while the middle years of Jesus are lost to the eternities, the middle years of Cruise are on tape.

And how!

Jesus would be honored to star in His classic movies of the ’80s and ’90s. And who wouldn’t want to be considered Empire’s 41st – and 3rd on a UK list – sexiest film star of all time?

Thank Cruise, Tom is the Christ of the modern age, because I think it’s clear what type of movies Jesus would have selected given the chance – of a lifetime!

It would be i-film after i-film about loving your neighbor and turning cheeks, seeking redemption and denouncing the march of religious authoritarianism. “We get it,” the critics would scream, “people are sinners. Boring! Can you please option some marketable action figures?” And, not even Jesus could act with the consummate professionalism bestowed only by He-who-requires-short-extras-as-well-as-a-supporting-cast.

Tom is a bold choice, given his obvious insanity. I commend the Spacing Guild and their courage as a religion to truly embrace the ridiculousness of their claims by exalting a man so clearly unmessianic. There are few choices as identifiably subastral as Cruise. Off the top of my head, the runners up would be: Flava Flav and New York, with honorable mentions to Jennifer Lopez, John Travolta and George W.

Self awareness is important, and the Church of Scientology and all of House Harkonnen – er – Miscavige deserve credit for finally and implicitly admitting to the world that they are not to be respected as an authority on anything other than fan-boy disciples of their own series.

Given all the death and destruction in recent millennia, I think this is an example that should be followed as a kind of apology by all major and minor religions. Sure they all claim crazy claims, but evidence of their silliness is shrouded in the mists of history, no longer available to man.

I’m just saying that if every religion would just own up to being nonsense, then maybe we could all take a break from the smiting and lighten up. Is it really that bad if a woman can read? Does it really matter what two people have between their legs if they are in love? Does anyone really care if you get a tattoo? Or if you eat pork or beef?

I envision a new world where the religious discard these vestiges of repression and finally kill each other without any pretext.

Or perhaps we could witness the waging of the first ironic religious war.

Yes, let’s do that one.

Arun believes. E-mail him at thefamilyatomics@gmail.com.