They may be obsolete, but they are not out of style

In our age of technology, we’re pretty used to things becoming obsolete. As soon as you buy… In our age of technology, we’re pretty used to things becoming obsolete. As soon as you buy a Pentium 5, there’s a Pentium 50. And as soon as you buy that one, there’s going to be quantum computers and microwave cookers.

In the rush to grab the latest and greatest, we’ve forgotten about things that have been obsolete for a long time and still haven’t gone out of fashion. I’d like to draw your attention to some glaring cases of obsolescence:

Hey Ya! > Other music. After Hey Ya! I don’t think there’s very much reason to listen to other music anymore, the Beatles included. Not to say that the Beatles aren’t great music. I’d give them a 9.9 … on a scale from one to Outkast. But as long as Hey Ya! is readily available, every second spent listening to the Beatles is probably better spent on Hey Ya!

Orange Clean > all other cleaners. Orange Clean “harnesses the cleaning power of oranges.” I bet you didn’t know oranges had cleaning power. You’ll be especially surprised if you chemically test oranges and found no evidence of any cleaning power whatsoever. And you’ll be even more surprised if you’ve ever spilled orange juice on your shirt, and, much to your chagrin, it did not clean the pre-existing stains. At any rate, Orange Clean smells a hell of a lot more like oranges than actual oranges do, so you feel safe breathing it in when you’re cleaning your shower. And why stop there? Go ahead and say goodbye to high-priced salon products endorsed by celebrities: Wash your hair with Orange Clean – it’s endorsed by Billy Mayes, the endorser of OxyClean.

Spinach > lettuce. You can eat spinach in a salad, or on a sandwich, just like lettuce, but you can also eat it from a can or a frozen bag. Spinach makes you strong. Lettuce’s side effects, such as tasting worse than spinach and death, are well documented, while its alleged health benefits are dubious at best. If you’re unconvinced, eat spinach and then drink milk for an after-taste combination that’s enough to make the most finicky palate into a Popeye. Trying the same combination with lettuce in place of spinach, however, is usually fatal. For you enviro-types: spinach is a renewable resource.

Cesar Chavez > Hugo Chavez. I hate Marxism, but I’m down with throwing my fist in the air and seizing means of production as much as the next guy, and Spanish is clearly the language best equipped to carry these sentiments – compare “Viva la Revolucion!” with its English translation “Single Payer Health Insurance!” But you’ve got to draw a line somewhere, and Cesar Chavez, with his civil society approach and willingess to endure painful hunger strikes, renders obsolete Hugo Chavez, who has clearly become a fattie since his revolution started. Getting fat is the opposite of a hunger strike. Plus, contrary to his name, Cesar wasn’t a despot.

Fancy Feast cat food > nice restaurants. The Fancy Feast cat food commercials paint an America so rich that its cats are served Fancy Feast on silver platters by mysterious, white-gloved butlers. However, the only thing funny about this commercial is that the butler is serving a cat, not that the butler is serving Fancy Feast. Fancy Feast is classy enough for an anniversery, quinceanera, or just to show a special someone how deeply you care. Valentine’s Day is over, but that just makes it all the more spontaneous and romantic when your significant other comes home to a candlelight dinner starring Fancy Feast as the main course. To seal the deal, throw in a bottle of his or her favorite scent: Orange Clean.

“Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” > actual high school. This Ramones cinematic masterpiece changed the course of 92 minutes of my life, but teachers’ unions have prevented its sage wisdom from working miracles in classrooms across America. This movie is a celluloid testament to the opportunities of school vouchers: If parents were free to choose their children’s educations, I think we’d see the dropout rate plummet and the rock-out rate skyrocket.

Friends > MySpace. In no other aspect of American life is theory so displaced from practice. Reasonably, people will tell you: You can touch friends; they can fight people for you; you can confide in them. But a minute later, those same people, often the most vocal and public supporters of traditional friendship, will betray the whole institution and spend twelve hours on MySpace timidly flirting with ambiguously attractive scenesters from Saskatchewan.

Friends, the people > “Friends,” the show. This is a logical inference from the previous conclusion. Also, War, the band > war, cumulative battles; and yet poison, the chemicals > Poison, the band.

The earned income tax credit > the minimum wage. Intrigued? Too bad. Read my next article to find out the exciting economics behind this statement!

Need some Orange Clean? Email Lewis at lij10@pitt.edu