Wendy’s closing is un-American

Eventually, everything comes to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Dynasties must fall. Great… Eventually, everything comes to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Dynasties must fall. Great cities must crumble. Great men and women must perish. This is a fact of life that nothing can avoid – even the inventors of the 99 cent, five-piece, all-white-meat chicken nuggets. It’s hard to grasp, but it’s true.

These are the thoughts that went through my head when I saw the Associated Press’ report that the very first Wendy’s Famous Hamburgers fast-food restaurant is closing on March 2, 2007. The eatery, located a couple blocks away from the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus, does not have enough late-night and weekend business to stay afloat, forcing the shut-down. Now please join me in a moment of silence.

Thank you.

Restaurants close all the time, but they usually don’t have the historical significance of Wendy’s. Dave Thomas, a loveable old man with a red tie and a giant smile, died in 2002 of liver cancer after founding what is now the third largest fast-food chain in the United States. His heroic efforts brought us the spicy chicken sandwich, the frosty – in both original and vanilla – and the single greatest creation of all time, the junior bacon cheeseburger.

Sure, the building had structural problems. It is also outdated, with insufficient parking and no drive-thru window. But this is bigger than just a place closing its doors. It’s the end of an era. March 2 will go down as one of the most important days of this generation’s history. It’ll be right up there with the invention of microwavable pizza and the day “Boy Meets World” was cancelled. There are a few reports hinting that the people in charge are resurrecting Ronald Reagan for the final day, just so he can say “Tear down that baked potato!”

The restaurant had been living off of the politicians who worked in the area since 1969. But now, because of what must have been a massive pro-health campaign, the Ohio lawmakers just don’t eat enough fast food to keep Wendy’s in business. It’s pretty clear that the politicians have either gone insane or reverted to cannibalism. Those are the only two reasons I can think of that would stop a person from that value meal.

Wendy’s has always had a special place in my heart. I have long believed that Wendy is really the only girl who understands me, and that she is my one true love. I’m even willing to look past the fact that she services millions of people each day and, even worse, is a redhead. When it’s 4 a.m. and I’m dying for some late-night cholesterol, no one but she will do. Nobody knows how to block my arteries like that freckle-faced goddess.

She’s not even gone yet, but I miss her already. The night after I heard this devastating news, I had the worst dream I’ve ever had in my life. I was driving around a non-distinct city, and my stomach was growling louder than a rock concert. The problem was, everywhere I looked, there were neon signs. Wendy’s – “Closed.” Kentucky Fried Chicken – “Closed.” Taco Bell – “Cerrado.” The signs were everywhere, blocking up the scenery and breakin’ my mind. I panicked, and when I woke up I chugged a cup of honey mustard sauce just to make myself feel better.

What if that was a premonition? What if this is just the first step in eliminating all fast-food restaurants? What if this is just another marketing ploy by those uptight fascists in Washington who refuse to let our nation’s children be happy and obese? The very thought makes me so angry I could eat a rectangular-shaped cow.

We can’t let this happen without a fight. We need to show Wendy’s that shutting down even one of its locations is unacceptable and un-American. That’s why I’m calling for a large-scale pilgrimage to Columbus. The Wendy’s lovers of the world must band together and fight the downfall of fast-food civilization. We’ll dress up like our favorite side order. We’ll handcuff ourselves to crispy chicken sandwiches. We’ll sing protest songs and drown our sorrows in liters of soda. It will kinda be like Tiananmen Square, but not quite.

Rally or not, this day needs to be celebrated. Wherever you are on March 2, 2007, drop everything and grab a JBC. Life is short, and we all need as much Wendy’s as we can get, because we might not have that opportunity for too much longer.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu to reserve a seat in his car for the road trip.