Bald Britney ruins image, runs to rehab

If there was any lingering doubt in your mind that Britney Spears is completely insane, it… If there was any lingering doubt in your mind that Britney Spears is completely insane, it should have disappeared after this week.

The former faux-naughty Catholic schoolgirl, over the course of several failed albums and one train wreck of a marriage, has backslid from the high status of teen superstar to that of a crazy bag lady with a lot of cats who just happens to be hugely famous.

In the past few months, Britney has checked in, and apparently out, of rehab, shaved her head and made the dreams of every 17-year-old boy in America come true by revealing to paparazzi that she goes commando.

But amusing as all this may be, I promised myself last fall that I would never let my column be about celebrity or musician gossip. I care less about who is dating whom in Hollywood than George W. Bush, according to Kanye West, cares about black people.

That said, I’m more interested in what Britney’s apparent madness means to the music scene. Let’s all remember when we were back in middle school: Around 1999, teen pop ruled the world, and most of it blew. On the boys’ side, the heavy hitters were the Backstreet Boys, who sucked, and ‘NSYNC, who were awesome.

In the girl’s corner was our gal Britney, who sucked, and Christina Aguilera, who was almost awesome (Note: Christina would not actually become awesome until several years later).

Now I’m judging this relative awful/awesome factor based on musical talent and ingenuity alone – not image. ‘NSYNC and Aguilera were simply more talented artists than their musical rivals, both of which, interestingly, hit the scene before them.

Britney’s often-digitized voice (listen to her In the Zone) could never hold a candle to anything Christina sang. Similarly, ‘NSYNC outperformed the Backstreet Boys with their not-so-secret weapon, the wonderfully named Justin, who clearly outgunned the latter’s top singer, Nick Carter.

So what does this all have to do with Britney Spears, like, totally being drunker than a freshman on a Friday?

Well, first off, she doesn’t wear panties.

More importantly, though, is this possible connection: Spears’ career was always based more on image than substance, and now, as that image becomes increasingly more negative, there is no substance to save her.

Alright, now in English: If Britney had relied more on music and talent than her image, she could have clung to her art and remained relatively respectable. Instead, a few cracks in her image have led to the destruction of all that is Britney.

To illustrate this point, let’s look at an opposite situation.

Christina Aguilera released Stripped in 2002 and showed the world her ass. Her image was that of a bad, bad girl – her music, however, still revealed her genuine talent (check “Beautiful” and “The Voice Within”).

Even though the press bashed her, her reliance on talent rather than image kept her head above water. And now, with her new Back to Basics album, Christina’s image is that of classic blonde bombshell, and her talent is still ever-present and obvious.

The same is true in the little boys’ room. The less-talented Backstreet Boys disbanded and left Nick all alone to disastrous results: 2002’s Now or Never, his laughable debut album, and an E! reality show that illustrates how Nick has the mentality of a 7-year-old boy (“House of Carters,” anyone?). He also dated Paris Hilton.

Yup, he’s that stupid.

Justin Timberlake, on the other hand, has put out two wildly soulful, funky and creative albums to rave reviews, critical respect and the possibility that he may be the next Michael Jackson – just, you know, without that penchant for slumber parties with little boys.

Just as happened with the ladies, Nick’s reliance on image over talent led to his downfall, whereas Justin’s talent backed up his image, allowing him to ride over any media gossip on a wave of great music.

While Britney and Nick became nothing more than tabloid headlines, Justin and Christina earned respect. By consistently releasing increasingly sophisticated music showcasing their massive talent, their images ultimately become secondary, and, hence, some personal misstep would be unlikely to unseat them as pop champions.

The underlying point here is one that fills me with joy and gives me faith in the state of popular music. Even in pop music, the genre most obsessed with image and the least concerned with substance, the most talented and creative artists eventually rise to the top.

Image lasts only for so long, but talent extends longer than most artists’ careers – to maintain an image is fine, but only if it is backed up by musical talent. This is why tired, silly-haired emo bands come and go more quickly than I can keep track of, and why the Ying Yang Twins will be quickly forgotten while Nas will be remembered forever.

Though having more talent and substance wouldn’t get Britney out of rehab (actually, more substance would get her back in), maybe if she had stuck with music and worried less about her image, she wouldn’t be headed down the path towards bag lady-hood.

To put my mind at ease, I’ll blame Kevin Federline.

Ah, that feels better.

E-mail Justin your predictions for Britney’s next seemingly insane move at jhj11@pitt.edu.