Oh I wish I were away in Dixie

When I tell people I’m from Birmingham, Ala., I encounter a lot of misconceptions about the… When I tell people I’m from Birmingham, Ala., I encounter a lot of misconceptions about the South, especially the Deep South where I’m from. I’d like to reconstruct your view, with some little-known features about Dixie.

Southerners love Jews. The Bible is jam-packed with these guys, and then you get to see them in real life, just walkin’ around! It’d be like if the Argonauts landed on the shore of the Monongahela. Most southern people, in their heart-of-hearts, think Jews are good luck and perhaps magical.

Dying isn’t a big deal. Liberal Yankees always gripe about how southern states execute people all the time. Southerners don’t think getting killed by the state is that bad, because getting killed by anything isn’t that bad. Most elderly southerners are itching to keel over so they can hang out with their friends again. When my great-aunt Winn died this summer at the age of 98, no one was more pumped about it than she was.

Southerners can’t use public transit. It irks most southerners to touch strangers without wrestling them, and it especially irks them to rely on the government. Most southerners hate their governments, and their governments hate them. The idea that, if the Apocalypse happened, they would have to wait for a subway to get home instead of hopping into a behemoth truck is appalling to the whole mentality.

The South is way more into the Civil War. You might not know it, but the Union lost 650,000 soldiers, while the Confederacy lost only 550,000. This is the most satisfying statistic taught in southern high schools, middle schools, elementary schools and kindergartens, because it means we kicked y’all’s asses. The Civil War was like a football game, and we basically won – by a hundred thousand points. It’s true; we did officially lose the Civil War, but only in the sense that you lose at pool by scratching on the eight ball, even when you’re winning by a huge margin. How many times have you been to Gettysburg? I’ve been to Shiloh six times.

Obesity is a choice, and a good one at that. Most Southerners are descended from sharecroppers who struggled to make ends meet. Therefore, we make it up to our ancestors by eating Jefferson Davis’ body weight every week. And if we overdo it a little, who can blame us? Our food is amazing! When I go home, I always eat at the Whistle Stop Cafe, as featured in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Can you imagine a Yankee equivalent movie called “Sandwiches with Two Pounds of Crap On Them” or “Pizza for Breakfast?” Go ahead and guess what I order – fried green tomatoes, with fried catfish and black-eyed peas and sweet potatoes and corn bread and sweet tea.

Southerners argue differently. Yankees draw on analogies, conjure fine syllogisms and reference prestigious sources to build a case:

“Look, you have to consider