Better read the fine print on that contract, Barry

By now, you have probably heard of the one-year, $15.8 million deal Barry Bonds signed to… By now, you have probably heard of the one-year, $15.8 million deal Barry Bonds signed to remain with the San Francisco Giants. What you may have missed, however, is all the fine print included in the contract. After some intensive Internet research, I present to you the many clauses of the new Barry Bonds deal.

1.”Giants” is a surname, not an adjective. Lose some weight.

2.No application of unknown creams, ointments, hell, even deodorants, to any part of the body.

3.No drug tests. At this point, finding you guilty of steroid use would be about as surprising as a coming out party for Elton John.

4.No Greg Anderson in the dugout. Better yet, no Greg Anderson in the San Francisco metropolitan area. This should be easy to abide by since he is currently serving his third prison sentence to keep your secret.

5.No ESPN reality series. Shamelessly blubbering about how life is unfair while you’re one of the highest paid athletes in the world is not good for your image.

6.All Barry Bonds rookie cards must be destroyed. Speaking of image, the I-hit-puberty-at-age-30-which-is-why-my-head-got-so-large excuse isn’t cutting it.

7.No interaction with former teammate Jeff Kent. All interpersonal problems will be taken to the offices of Chicago Bear Tank Johnson or any member of the Cincinnati Bengals. Unlike them, you cannot afford an arrest.

8.No interaction with Philadelphia fans. They hurt your feelings last year (see: ESPN reality series).

9.No interaction with New York fans (see: Clause 8).

10.No public appearances with Jason Giambi. Inevitably, he would look good; you would look worse.

11.No public appearances with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and/or Rafael Palmeiro. Everyone looks bad.

12.No Jose Canseco publicity stunts. This includes books to out yourself, books to out others and VH1 reality shows. It didn’t work for him, it won’t work for you. Plus, a run-in with a psychotic former supermodel could have you on the disabled list faster than Kobayashi can down a plate of hot dogs.

13.No playing defense. The eyesore of you attempting to chase down fly balls with those waterlogged knees has cost us games, fans and humiliation. We are working with Commissioner Selig to create the “10th batter” rule. No DH, no watching you play defense – everyone wins.

14.No attempting to steal a base (see: rookie card). Plus, the last thing you need right now is the verb “stole” after your name.

15.No pouting after intentional walks.

16.No lounge in the dugout. The one you have in the clubhouse can sleep a family of eight. You will already be doing plenty of lounging with all the time you will spend on the DL again this season.

17.No more FILA endorsement. Are they even making clothes for anyone but you anymore?

18.No using your children as personal media shields. Yes, you have kids. No, this doesn’t clear you of steroid allegations. Give the children a chance to avoid Papa’s legacy.

19.No illicit extramarital affairs. On road trips to play the Rockies, avoid the hotel desk girl like the plague. If she can change Kobe Bryant from an All-American hero to a public disgrace, what can she do with someone who is already the latter?

20.No more claiming relations to Willie Mays. If it isn’t blood, it doesn’t count. Besides, your current image makes the “Say Hey Kid” look like Ghandi.

21.And finally, no passing Hank Aaron’s career home run mark. Hank Aaron’s achievement was a glorious moment for Major League Baseball and for American civil rights. Your achievement would be a glorious moment for BALCO.