Water packaged with extra “ice”

I’ve never really understood style. While my peers have been skipping from ghetto to… I’ve never really understood style. While my peers have been skipping from ghetto to metrosexual to skater to preppy and so forth, I’ve been wearing the same hooded sweatshirt and blue jeans for the past 20 years. I’ve never understood the advantages of being uncomfortable in order to look more fabulous than the uncomfortable person next to you. For me, practicality has always ruled.

So when I stumbled upon Bling H2O the other day, needless to say I was confused. Bling H2O, a Beverly Hills Beverage product, is bottled water. That’s it. It’s spring water that would normally cost you a few bucks at your local grocer. The only difference is that Bling H2O comes in a frosted wine bottle covered with genuine Swarovski crystals. A single bottle runs for about $40 on their Web site, with a case costing $480. And those are retail prices; any “baller” trying to pick up a bottle at a bar will most likely have to drop around $90 – for the same stuff that comes out of the tap for free. For that much money, it better be coming with a steak.

According to its Web site, the water comes from an award-winning spring in Tennessee and is put through a nine-step purification process. Personally, I don’t care if it’s straight from the Garden of Eden and has been shocked with the sweat of a Tibetan monk; water is still just water, no matter what it says about one’s social status.

This outrageous marketing scheme has been endorsed by a “select clientele,” including Jaime Foxx, Kelly Clarkson, Shaquille O’Neal, Bono and, with the surprise of the century, Paris Hilton. Hilton’s even been seen sneaking sips to her dog, each of which costs around $5. If I’m giving a dog $5 sips of water, he better either be protecting me from terrorists or winning me millions in an illegal racing ring. And with those muscle-packed skills, there’s no way he would fit in my purse.

Just when I thought I was angry enough about this, I found out that Bling H2O, an inanimate object, has a MySpace page. Over 1,100 people found it important enough to their baller reputations to befriend a bottle of water. Bling H2O “loves to party,” considers itself a “swinger” and is bound to the zodiac sign of Sagittarius. I think it fits pretty well that an archer symbolizes a product that preys so blatantly on insecure celebrities. It’s almost like a Robin Hood story – Beverly Hills Beverages steals from the dumb and gives to the rich.

Clearly, this is getting out of hand. When people got bored of “pimpin'” their rides and showing off the marble fountains in front of their museum-like mansions, they had to turn everyday objects into status symbols. What could possibly be next? Platinum Q-tips? Cashmere gym socks? A cell phone that takes pictures and video, plays mp3s, serves as a personal organizer and accesses the Internet? I know it sounds unlikely, but ridiculous products like these are coming faster than you think.

But why are we as a country so obsessed with material possessions? Why do we need our Porches and Bentleys and Mercedes and BMWs and 2001 midnight-blue Oldsmobile Auroras? Sure, when pedestrians see these four-wheeled brand names rolling down Fifth Avenue they stop and are impressed, but does that make the driver any better of a person? Has he grown at all spiritually? I’m not so sure he has.

And who is to blame for this selfish materialism? I’d like to blame it on the Republicans, but I’m not sure that argument would hold water. Maybe it’s MTV’s fault, with its superficial shows and music videos. Maybe it’s the parents’ fault, as they are too busy shoving Twinkies in their children’s mouths to instill morals in their heads. If violent video games are the cause of school shootings, maybe we can blame this cultural phenomenon on Super Mario, who has taught generations of young people the importance of picking up gold coins, stars, castles and cute princesses.

Whoever’s fault it is, I want a piece of the “exploiting dumb, rich people” market. I think my idea would make millions, and it will be to promote healthy living. All I’m going to do is re-sell cartons of milk, but with changes to the packaging. These new cartons will be covered in $20 bills, Italian silk, 18-inch rims with spinners, pictures of beautiful models and solid-gold miniature cows. Not only will my customers will be able to look “fly,” they’ll also be getting their daily source of calcium. And they’ll even lose weight, because at $35,750 a case, they won’t have enough money left over to buy food.

“But Sam, you can get a carton of the same milk for a couple bucks,” you say. All I have to say to that is that you just don’t understand style.

Email Sam at seg23@pitt.edu, but only if you’re ballin’.