Calling all bouncers: Boot habitual talkers

During the past few years, movie theater chains have all but begged us to not see movies… During the past few years, movie theater chains have all but begged us to not see movies anymore. Between the constant price increases (remember when it was only $6!), expensive popcorn and drinks and packed theaters, going to see a film at the multiplex is almost not worth the hassle.

With the fast DVD turnout and On Demand a viable option for new releases, it seems like the movie theaters are on the road to disappearing. Yet we keep going back, mostly because nothing beats the experience of watching a movie on the big screen with your friends. But there are some things that we faithful moviegoers should not have to put up with, and that, ladies and gentleman, is the compulsive talker.

We all know who these people are: audience members who feel the need to share aloud every one of their thoughts, not only to the people accompanying them, but also to anyone else within a mile. Typically, I’m able to shake them off, ignore them and continue watching the movie. But lately it’s gotten so incredibly irritating that I’m forced, before selecting a film, to calculate my odds of being bothered by obnoxious viewers at a given theater.

For whatever reason, movie theaters have managed to raise the prices on practically everything in the theater, yet they still can’t afford to a hire a bouncer capable of enforcing the rules of movie-going etiquette presented prior to a film’s start. It’s a fine line – that is, whether or not someone’s truly being disturbed – but in some cases, it’s beyond obvious. I understand that theaters don’t want to implement a policy that would kick people out just for being loud, but surely they can do something.

If I take a date to the movies and buy popcorn and a drink, I’m spending about 30 dollars. The least the theater can do for me is guarantee that I can watch the movie without having a bunch of loud, loathsome teenagers laugh at every second of the movie (and no, I’m not talking about comedies).

There are certain instances when being loud in a movie theater serves a good purpose. In the case of films such as “Borat,” the harder and louder the audience laughs, the better. Comedies like “Borat” are meant to provoke audience participation and response. But at the same time, when attending serious dramas, I can’t count how many times I’ve had to hear someone explain to a friend who went to the restroom exactly what he missed.

I can only imagine if the admission price were raised one penny. In a theater that can fit roughly 200 people, that would cover an entire day’s pay for a “movie security guard.” Obviously, this person’s job wouldn’t be to promote security per se, but to ensure the civility of those in attendance.

Under this system, if a person or group of people misbehaves repeatedly during a movie screening, the bouncer can briskly escort them out. Imagine how less frequently people would answer their cell phones knowing that, if they do so, they’ll be kicked out of the theater.

I don’t mean to sound so incredibly bitter. Well, actually, yes I do. As the prices have gradually risen every year, and seeing as how we have to sit through eight minutes of commercials before previews even begin, I’d like to be able to actually watch my movie in peace. And as long as the multiplexes keep raising prices, adding commercials and making the movie an annoyance to sit through because of noises and disruptions, I’ll continue to wait until that movie comes to DVD.