Gotta love amusement park music

The following is a list of songs that I may never again be able to listen to without… The following is a list of songs that I may never again be able to listen to without becoming physically ill and possibly mentally unstable:

“Thriller,” by Michael Jackson “Brown Eyed Girl,” by Van Morrison “Barbara Ann,” by the Beach Boys “Staying Alive,” by the BeeGees

Allow me to explain: I spent last weekend working carnival games at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, one of the biggest and most popular amusement parks in the world. I operated the tic-tac-toe game, in which customers tried to land three wiffle balls in a row on a board to win huge, shoddy SpongeBob dolls seemingly sewn together by blind toddlers.

Now the work was long and grueling – having to re-explain the game of tic-tac-toe to toothless men in NASCAR hats up to three times quickly wears down one’s patience – but the six-hour shifts allowed me time to reflect. On what, you ask? Whatever else would I think about but music?

The songs above are among those that were played throughout the park in an hour-long rotation with about 15 other tunes. While I began to wish I was born deaf by about the 20th time through, I noticed that countless park-goers were singing along, dancing even, as they walked passed my lonely booth. Each time a new track would blare through the speakers along the midway, these Ohioans’ faces would light up.

“I love this song! These Cedar Point folk really know their music! Let’s go pay $12 for a hamburger!” they all shouted.

The customers’ overwhelmingly positive reaction to the background music got me thinking: Why were these songs picked to be on such heavy rotation in the park, hour after hour, day after day? The selections couldn’t have been random; these songs must have been played for a reason.

After about two hours deep in thought, during which customers probably thought I didn’t speak English because of my complete disinterest in their prize-winning desires, I found the solution.

It’s simple: The soundtrack to a day at an amusement park is comprised of songs that nobody hates. Sure, not every single person in the park might be in love with Roy Orbison’s “Pretty Woman,” for example, but it would be difficult to find someone who downright hates it. The songs are familiar, catchy, usually nostalgic for the older park-goers and not all that annoying. They’re not all great songs, but that’s not the aim; the tracks appeal to the lowest common denominator.

They are songs liked, or at least not hated, by the greatest percentage of people.

I smiled to myself for the first time since a customer commented on my consolation prize – plush alligators – with, “Oh, I ain’t need none a-them ‘gators,” before trotting over to skeeball; I had discovered a new genre of music: Amusement Park Rock, which henceforth shall be dubbed APR.

Songs that fit into this genre fall somewhere between tolerable and beloved for the majority of listeners. They have a certain sing-along quality that opens them up for repeated listening (although I don’t recommend 25 times in two days). Interestingly, they are also all at least two decades old.

With the exception of “Love Shack,” a song which I don’t believe fits into Amusement Park Rock because of its dangerously high level of listener annoyance, the newest song in Cedar Point’s rotation was “Thriller,” released in 1982. So, I thought, here lies the final piece of the puzzle: APR songs must be old enough to have a timeless quality.

Herein is the question of the hour: What popular songs of today will, in a few decades, become APR tunes? I compiled a short list during the last hours of my shift, mainly to get a tune besides “La Bamba” in my head, for you to peruse.

The first is unquestionably “Beautiful Day,” by U2. The song is catchy, upbeat, very hard to hate on and has a message that will translate well to the world of rollercoasters and my-size-SpongeBob dolls; everyday at Cedar Point, my friends, is a beautiful day. Except for the employees, that is.

“Since U Been Gone,” will also be an APR classic before too long. Despise Kelly Clarkson all you want, but this song never gets old. Also, it screams, “Since you’ve been gone, we built a new coaster with plenty of souvenir T-shirts and key chains for you to buy!”

My third pick for future APR tune, a song with haters few and far between, is Outkast’s “Hey Ya!” It certainly would invite Cedar Point saps to sing along, and only the line “Just want to make you come-a” is not at all family inappropriate. But if the park’s powers that be could splice in “To (Insert amusement park name here)” discretely after that line, the problem disappears. Three cheers for subliminal messages!

Now we won’t know how accurate my picks for APR songs are for a while; by the rules of the genre, more than 20 years will have to pass before we could possibly sing along with Bono whilst riding the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Unfortunately, my friends, today’s APR jams have been forever ruined for me after my time at Cedar Point, but by all means enjoy them the next time you’re at an amusement park. That’s precisely why they were selected for you to hear – they’re all songs that you don’t hate!

Send Justin your APR tunes of tomorrow at jhj11@pitt.edu. He’s starting a betting pool for correct guesses, which will pay winners in 2036.