Marriage not for everyone

I love attending weddings. They’re a great chance to eat free gourmet food and to watch… I love attending weddings. They’re a great chance to eat free gourmet food and to watch drunken family members attempt to dance. But the one part of weddings that I can do without is “The Question.”

The question I’m referring to is when an older family member or close friend leans over the table and asks any single woman in the near vicinity, “When can we expect you up there?”

Call me commitment-phobic, but the idea of being bound to one person for the rest of my life is disturbing. When asked this question, though, I normally just smile and let the interrogator know that I never plan on getting married, hoping she will let the subject go. Instead, she begins to tell me that I definitely want to get married and, once I grow out of my rebellious phase, I’ll get hitched as soon as possible. I am obviously just too young to make a decision about matrimony.

Meanwhile, other girls my age can list off the year they want to be married by and how many children they want with no one reprimanding them. They’re allowed to know what they want to do in the future since their choice is the normal one.

Because of large families on both my mother and father’s sides, I’ve gotten used to dealing with inebriated family members and friends trying to tell me that in a few years, I’ll be the one standing at the altar. I had even resigned myself to the fact that I am somehow a freak of nature because the idea of wearing a wedding ring for the rest of my life makes me queasy rather than giddy — until the Census Bureau let me know that I am not alone.

The American Community Survey — released by the Census Bureau — returned very interesting results this year. For the first time, married couples have become the minority. While the 49.7 percent of couples who are married may only be a few points from the majority, the number has been slipping for years. There has been a drastic decline of marriage between couples since 1930, when 84 percent of couples were married. Now, the number of unmarried couples is on the rise.

While fewer people are getting married, this doesn’t mean that there will ever be a time when no one will be married. It just means that people are giving marriage more thought and placing other goals, like careers, before rushing into matrimony. Another reason for the lower number this year is that more gay couples are becoming comfortable in answering that they live with a same-sex partner but cannot marry. There were even people who said that they were not planning on tying the knot until everyone could marry. So, for all those who are still appalled by the idea of married couples becoming a minority, there is a simple solution to return them to the majority — legalizing gay marriage.

The survey results are also concrete proof that the world is changing and will perhaps cause people to finally acknowledge these changes. Marriage doesn’t have to be the only option for women and men. More people are making choices that exclude marriage altogether or put it off for a few years. They can try alternative lifestyles and then settle down a few years later.

The common idea in society is that a person goes to school, gets a job, gets married and has children. There is a lot of pressure put on anyone who tries to deviate from these standards, especially if that person is a woman. For women, not getting married is considered a catastrophe and being single is even worse. Just think of all the movies, like “Bridget Jones’s Diary” or hit television shows such as “Sex and the City,” that portray single women in their 30s as depressed that they cannot hold down a relationship or find “the one.” The happy ending is always a wedding or, at the very least, a proposal.

Despite some pressure from the media, pop culture has lessened the pressure a bit. There have even been a few Hollywood movies in which the main couple has amicably split, such as “The Break-Up.” But the idea that everyone wants to get married is still there.

Marriage is a personal choice, and I’d never denounce another person for marrying once — or even 20 times — so people who decide not to marry should also not be condemned.

Admitting that marriage is not on the “to do” list of my life always elicits shocked replies that I am just in denial. I’m assured that after a few years of being on my own, I’ll see the light. But it seems that more and more, my choice is becoming the norm; and realizing that has allowed me to feel a bit more comfortable with myself.

The results from the survey may come as a shock to people who are used to marriage being the ultimate goal, but for me they are cause for celebration. And the next time I’m asked when I plan on marrying, I’ll be able to answer with a bit more confidence.

Anyone curious about life without marriage can check out groups such as the Alternatives to Marriage Project (www.unmarried.org), which are dedicated to spreading the word about alternative lifestyles. E-mail Shannon at slb46@pitt.edu.