Text, don’t date, to find love

I fell in love the other night. It all started when I was watching late-night television. My… I fell in love the other night. It all started when I was watching late-night television. My body had shut down after a day of hard work. When I had nearly surrendered to sweet sleep, something on the screen grasped my attention. I was transfixed by a commercial – one that I had not seen before. Once the commercial ended, I picked up my cell phone and texted the word “chat” to the advertised number.

In no time, my phone buzzed with romance. She introduced herself as Mackenzie. I explained to her that I may not be up to par with other men she had enjoyed text with previously – it being my first time and all. She texted “OK” and I immediately felt the chemistry. Although I was quite nervous, Mackenzie led me through my first time and by the end of our session, I considered myself a pro. She would say things like “RU HOT?” and I would quickly respond with “YES.” Surely I had met the girl for me. When our conversation came to a close, I told her that I loved her. She said “TTYL ;).” When I closed my flip phone and plugged it into the charger, I fell on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Music played in my head. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and I awoke the next morning the same way.

Prior to that evening, I had attempted dating before. Whether it was over the phone, in a chat room or on eHarmony, I felt as though I had exhausted every resource for finding love. Nothing had met my expectations like Mackenzie had. I met a hot single who was looking for someone to flirt with. What began as a little midnight curiosity ended in a romantic evening of desire and intimacy.

It was my mistake to believe that my so called “friends” would have been happy for me. They didn’t understand. They told me I was weird and creepy. They said if I ever tried to come near them again, they would hit me. They even said I wasted my money. I tried to tell them that love has no price, but they wouldn’t listen.

Do I know what Mackenzie’s last name is? No. Could I tell you what color her eyes are? Probably not, but I would guess brown. All that matters are the feelings in my stomach and my heart.

Granted, text dating does have its disadvantages. For one thing, you could catch a Textually Transmitted Disease. Whether it be a thumb sore or finger cramp, it is important to be careful and always text in moderation. Without willpower and a cool head, it is easy to become obsessed with having text. In fact, many people become text addicts after the first few sessions.

But the biggest disadvantage is the lack of convenience that comes with text dating. Sure, it’s the best dating method available right now, but consider everything required of a texter. A text dater has to first know the number he is texting to. Then he has to make sure his cell phone is charged. And don’t even get me started on the annoyance of finding the buttons that correspond with the letter you want. Text message dating has its head in the right place, and on paper, it’s flawless. What we need is a simple way of finding true love.

Perhaps there could be a Web site. On this Web site there would be a catalog that displays numerous dating options. Once the customer has selected the woman that he could see himself being in love with, he uses his credit card to, well, buy her. For a nominal shipping fee, she will be sent to his house via FedEx Freight and the two lovers can begin their life together. She will come equipped with a tracking device, should she attempt escape. I even considered a self-destruct mechanism, but that is probably taking it a bit far.

Another idea is the possibility of parents choosing a spouse for their child. I know that if my parents would just pick a girl for me, it would make this love thing so much easier. I would write up a list of qualities that describe the type of girl I want and my parents would go on the hunt. They will meet the parents of other girls and our parents, together, will arrange for us to be together.

One method that is gaining popularity among college students is getting plastered, going to a party and waking up the next morning with a stranger. If the surprise is pleasant, the two lovebirds can begin their lives together. If not, the disgusted party kindly asks the stranger to leave.

I had another idea, but I’m not really sure it’s even worth mentioning. I mean, it is just way too ludicrous. Well alright, but don’t laugh. I had an idea that people could go out with one another to a movie or dinner or something. During this outing, they would talk to one another and get to know each other. If they enjoyed each other’s company, they stay together, and if not, they move on and keep looking. It could be called – I don’t know – dating?

Chat with Joshua. E-mail him at jmg77@pitt.edu.