Next year the Madden Curse can be reversed

I believe in a lot of things, but few appear as truthful to me as the Madden Curse. You… I believe in a lot of things, but few appear as truthful to me as the Madden Curse. You know, he who graces the cover of the famous football game is destined to make fantasy owners across the land weep when he has a bad year or is injured for the season.

We’re talking about something so certain that there aren’t even Vegas odds on it. It is possibly the worst endorsement signing possible, no matter how many people buy the game.

This is the same curse that has cut down the likes of Eddie George (costly bobbled pass is picked off and returned for a touchdown in 2001 playoff loss) and Daunte Culpepper (team struggled to a 4-7 record before a season-ending knee injury sidelined him for the rest of the year). That got people talking.

And that was only the beginning.

The next year featured Marshall Faulk, the Rams’ spectacular all-purpose halfback. He suffered an ankle injury and missed five games. He never surpassed the 1,000-yard rushing mark in any season thereafter. He, like everyone else, had no chance.

What about 2004? Surely the human highlight reel known as Michael Vick would buck the trend. The guy didn’t even last a week after the game hit the stores, fracturing his fibula in a preseason game and missing all but five games of the 2004 season.

Atlanta, of course, missed the playoffs.

Even defenders can’t elude the Madden Curse. Ray Lewis, one of the top defensive players in the league, appeared on the 2005 cover. Lewis broke his wrist and didn’t register any interceptions while his Baltimore Ravens went from division champs in 2004 to watching the playoffs at home in 2005.

Donovan McNabb took on the Curse in 2006 and, with some help from Terrell Owens, became the next victim. The team’s escapades likened the premise of Jerry Springer while McNabb’s play suffered drastically. The Eagles went winless in the NFC East, missed the playoffs and lost McNabb for the year with a sports hernia.

Shaun Alexander, last year’s MVP, is already injured. First week of the season. Let’s be honest — it was only a question of when once he agreed to grace the 2007 cover.

I propose that instead of picking athletes who are coming off career years and playoff success, Madden 2008 should run a different route. How about picking somebody so problem-ridden, so down-and-out that the curse couldn’t possibly make him any more disillusioned than he already is? What about picking somebody so inept that he may be immune to the Curse?

The possibilities are endless, but here are a few, along with what might happen if they “win” the cover.

Chris Henry, WR, Cincinnati — Henry defines thuggeration. Well, he would if it existed. Since 2005 he has been pulled over for speeding, marijuana possession and driving without a valid driver’s license or auto insurance. A month after escaping from an alleged sex crime unscathed (there appeared to be no proof), police pulled Henry over. He volunteered to take a breathalyzer test and registered well above the legal BAC limit in Ohio. He has also been suspended two games this season for “violating the league’s personal conduct and substance abuse policies.”

Worst Case Scenario: Being on the cover would lay the foundation for a brain to grow inside his head.

Ricky Williams, RB, Toronto — The former No. 2 overall pick has been in and out of football to try and pay back all of the money he owed the Dolphins for an abrupt retirement in 2004. He has failed multiple drug tests, the latest forcing the NFL to suspend him for the entire 2006 season. He has migrated north to play in the Canadian Football League, which doesn’t honor the NFL’s ban.

Worst Case Scenario: I suppose the worst thing that could happen to Williams would be for him to clean up, sit out this season, apply for reinstatement for the 2007 season — and get it. Then he’d be playing for the Dolphins, a team with as many wins as the Oakland Raiders.

Dennis Green, coach, Arizona — Why should we limit this to just players? Green provided us with the best postgame press conference in years after his Cardinals blew a 20-point lead to Chicago’s defense. He claimed that Chicago was “who we thought they were” and Arizona “let them off the hook.” He swore, hit the podium and stormed out like a girl that Zack Morris hits on in an episode of “Saved by the Bell,”) leaving reporters behind to laugh.

Worst Case Scenario: Green becomes confused and finds that teams aren’t who he thought they were. Not only that, Arizona extends his contract for life.

Donna Shalala, president, University of Miami — Come to think of it, we don’t even need to confine ourselves to players, coaches or people involved in the NFL. Shalala is the perfect fit. Her Hurricane football program has become the biggest laughingstock in the NCAA this year, all because of a bench-clearing brawl.

Shalala exemplifies everything that is wrong with Miami — incompetence. A day after saying she didn’t need to watch the replay to dish out suspensions because she was “very close” to the action, she claimed that she watched the tape “frame by frame.”

Then after already stating that “the buck stops here,” she proclaimed the team’s friendly suspensions were adequate. Thirteen players missed one game, against almighty Duke, nonetheless, and may return this week against Georgia Tech. This wasn’t a slap on the wrist, it was a manicure.

Worst Case Scenario: EA Sports changes its slogan to “The Buck Stops Here” and Shalala has to work with John Madden himself providing commentary for the game. She will also have to hire Lamar Thomas as her color man and body guard in case her Miami players start thugging it up again.

Geoff Dutelle is a senior staff writer for The Pitt News.