It’s hard for Maurice Clarett to find work — anywhere

Paul Crewe: Everybody, listen up. From now until cell block lockdown I am going to be… Paul Crewe: Everybody, listen up. From now until cell block lockdown I am going to be holding preliminary interviews for spots on the Mean Machine — the football team made up of the meanest, toughest, most hard-nosed football players you can find behind bars. Please form a disorderly line and enter my office one by one. Who’s up first?

Inmate 13: I believe I am.

PC: Who are you?

Inmate 13: My name is Maurice, Maurice Clarett sir.

PC: Warden! Can I get the file on a Maurice Clarett, please? Thank you.

PC: Ok, Maurice. Tell me why you think you can play for the Mean Machine.

MC: Well, I love the game of football for one, and I’m pretty good at it. In high school, I was named Ohio’s Mr. Football as well as USA Today’s offensive player of the year.

PC: Not bad, half of the guys in that line outside haven’t even seen a high school, much less played ball there. You have any other playing experience, Clarett?

MC: Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, I played a year at Ohio State.

PC: Ohio State Penitentiary?

MC: No, sir, Ohio State University. I was the first freshman to start at running back there in 60 years. I hurt my shoulder early in the season, but I rebounded and was the main reason we, the Buckeyes, won the National Championship in 2002.

PC: Well Clarett, I really don’t need to hear anymore. I see no reason why you can’t be our starting running back. That said, I’d like to see you at practice starting next — oh, I almost forgot, your file is here. I just need to have a look at it to know that we’re on the same page. (Laughs) Page! File! Get it? Well, never mind.

MC: Um, can I ask what’s on that file?

PC: Oh, nothing really. Academic records, court ruling history, NFL combine numbers, arrest record — nothing you have to worry about.

MC: OK then, I’ll see you at practice on Mon—

PC: Wait a minute. It says here that you were suspended from the OSU team your sophomore year because you faked a police report. Is that true?

MC: Well, yes but—

PC: I don’t like liars, Clarett, and quite frankly we don’t have room for perjury on the Mean Machine. I hope that’s the worst I see here.

MC: It will be. All right, I’ll see you at—

PC: Whoa, whoa, hold on son. It also says that while playing in college you allegedly received preferential academic treatment as well as accepting special benefits worth thousands from a friend of the family and tried to blame it on your coach?

MC: Well—

PC: Then you were too young to go pro, so you sued the NFL? Ha, you sued the NFL. You have guts there kid. Stupid guts, but guts nonetheless. What made you think you could win? The NFL has been amended less than the United States Constitution.

MC: That was only because—

PC: Well you lost that, obviously, but you did wait the necessary amount of time to enter the draft and — oh, OK you ran at the Combine. It says here you ran the forty twice — but these numbers can’t be right, can they?

MC: (Sheepishly) Yes, they are.

PC: A 4.72 and a 4.82? You’re serious? What position do you play, again? You look about as pudgy as a lineman but I thought you were faster than one. Quite frankly these times are the most offensive things on this file.

MC: Those numbers were caused from over-training. I ran better at private work—

PC: Well how you got drafted is beyond me, but you did it. Denver, huh? Didn’t like it much there, did you? Your teammates said you didn’t socialize much at all — just kept to yourself. So you got hurt and then you were cut, just like that — waste of a perfectly good third round draft choice.

MC: The injury wasn’t my fault. It could’ve happened to any—

PC: So that ended your playing career, thankfully. Ah yes, then you were accused of robbing two people at gunpoint in some back alley back in Buckeye country. Now that’s some kind of homecoming. I suppose that’s how you got here.

MC: I was never indicted on those—

PC: Oh, there’s more. Police had to spike your tires after you tried to run in your SUV. Was that one from a “family friend,” too?

MC: No, I—

PC: That wasn’t a question. You had four loaded guns in your car, including a loaded rifle and a concealed weapon. The police used Mace on you? Why? They couldn’t stun — oh, here it is. You had a bulletproof vest on? Who just wears a bulletproof vest while they’re driving?

MC: (Silence)

PC: Well, Clarett, this is no good. I can’t have you on my team. I mean I have some stand-up criminals that want to play here. You can’t even break the law the right way. No, I’m sorry, you’re cut — again. Don’t try to act stunned, either. You’re probably still wearing that bulletproof vest. Get out of my office. NEXT!