Battle of the sexes, brains

Does this scenario sound familiar? Fictitious guy “Michael” complains to his girlfriend as… Does this scenario sound familiar? Fictitious guy “Michael” complains to his girlfriend as she glares at him with resentment: “I thought we had resolved this issue a long time ago.” As far as what “the issue” is in this case, feel free to insert any point of contention that may arise in your relationship.

Michael’s girlfriend continues to give him a hard look signifying that, for her, “the issue” is still just that — an issue.

This example, albeit simple, illustrates the differences between men and women in terms of how the two sexes internalize and deal with problems. As Dr. Marianne Legato purports in her latest book, “Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget,” the male and female brain are biologically wired in the womb to function and process information differently.

Based on my own experiences, Legato’s charges hit pretty close to home. I can think of countless examples in my own life when a difference in how I dealt with a situation in comparison to a member of the opposite sex led to tense relations. Given that these episodes usually played out in a similar way, it seems clear to me that a difference in biological makeup was largely to blame.

As it relates to the case above, females are often able to recall the details of arguments and emotionally-charged issues in much greater detail than males can. This apparently has an evolutionary basis.

Historically, it was advantageous for women to vividly remember dangerous situations so that they could protect their children from harm. For instance, it was important for a woman to bear in mind a specific spot where wild animals roamed in order to shield her children from this potentially hazardous environment.

For this reason, women in today’s world can apparently resurrect the exact emotions they felt during an argument or a crisis. A seemingly insignificant comment from one’s partner, which reminds the female of a past disagreement, can warp her straight back to a state of emotional distress — the exact distress that she was feeling at the time of the incident.

Meanwhile, the men stand around confused, asking questions like, “What is the problem?” or saying things like, “I thought we had moved beyond this,” because for them, the problem really has been resolved. In fact, it is likely that they cannot reconnect with the emotions they may have felt at the time, so what may still be an issue for the woman, has long been a non-issue for the man.

Formerly, it was more beneficial for the hunter-gatherer men to forget the details of a particularly stressful situation. Had men been able to recall the emotions that they felt — fear and anguish, perhaps — on a prior hunting jaunt, they would have been less likely to hunt in the future. This would have been disastrous, as hunting was necessary to attain the food required to survive.

These differences can be frustrating and often lead to gross misunderstandings between couples, friends and family members. How can a woman move beyond a crisis if it’s always on the top of her mind, waiting to be recalled in every little detail? Moreover, how can women explain this dilemma to men and encourage them to try and understand?

Conversely, is it possible for women to accept the fact that most men just move past once-hot points of contention a lot more quickly than women do? Further, is it possible for women to try and do the same?

To many people’s chagrin, the differences in the sexes do not stop at memory.

Legato also explains that women are, in general, much better at “multi-tasking” than men and that females can have some of their most fruitful conversations while involved in something else, such as sorting through their purchases from a recent shopping trip. Men, on the other hand, tend to process information most efficiently when they focus on one thing at a time.

My brother is a perfect illustration of this point. When he watches television he is totally focused on the screen and tuned out to everything else going on around him. So if I ask him, “Brad, what’s your favorite color?” when he’s plopped down in front of the tube, he will respond by saying something like “Yes.”

While such a response may seem ignorant, it’s typically not intended to be. Even when males are caught up in seemingly mindless activities, such as flipping through a newspaper or washing their car, they are usually completely absorbed in the task at hand — and only that task.

These differences can be absolutely maddening at times when they trigger conflicts that stem from pure confusion of where the other side is coming from. But I’m sure there’s a way to overcome this.

We should first try to understand the main differences between the two genders as a result of our respective biological makeups and then adjust our communication techniques accordingly. With any luck, relations among the sexes will improve as a result.

E-mail Christine at clh4@pitt.edu.