Dodge the “Ho’ train,” dodge being That Girl

As a seasoned party hand — that is to say, a college kid who’s been in school for more… As a seasoned party hand — that is to say, a college kid who’s been in school for more than a semester — it’s my job to provide some insight on how to avoid becoming That Girl.

That Girl, n. 1. The one at the party who falls to the ground, thus making her friends come over to prevent her from swallowing her tongue or getting vomit in her hair. The one who wakes up unsure if she made out with one, two or all of the people she met last night.

Keep the following advice in mind. It might some day save your life — or at least prevent you from hitting on some ugly dude. Always remember to bring an honor guard of friends when drinking at an unknown place. There are a lot of places that throw open their doors to party-goers on weekends, but they don’t necessarily consider your well-being a priority. Your friends do. Make sure to bring a reasonable number, depending on the situation, to wherever you are going. It’s easy to get separated, and you’re probably not going to hear your cell phone. Make a mental list before you get to the site of inebriation. It sounds silly, but make sure you know what you want and what you don’t want out of the night. If you are looking to hook up, more power to you. If you don’t and are worried that you might, make sure to tell your friends to keep an eye on you. If you know there are people there you really shouldn’t get with — ex-boyfriends or friends’ exes, say — tell someone. While you’re drunk, nothing seems like a bad idea. But when you wake up the next morning with a hangover and a stranger, you will be That Girl. Never be part of a “Ho’ train.” At some point, all of your friends will agree that it is a good idea to dress in low-cut, sequined shirts and move around Oakland like a herd of sparkly, female wildebeests. You should opt to stay home and watch Lifetime instead. Group mentality and alcohol don’t always mix well. Don’t ever feel like you have to act drunk while at a party. The most annoying thing a girl has ever done to me at a party is wander over to me and act like she was completely wasted, although I could tell she was actually just buzzed. She was laughing far too hard at my jokes and it looked like her drunken stumbling around was planned. Remember to keep your head. Yes it is alcohol, and yes, we could all hook up at any second. Still, keep your head and be chill. Laugh at my jokes if they are funny, not because you want me to think you’re drunk. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things, it makes it easier for you to do things. What you do among friends and what you do among strangers is very different. If you end up flashing a bunch of brothers at a party for free alcohol, don’t be surprised when one or two of them end up in your classes and recognize you. Girls who are willing to flash are far too rare, and the ones who do get a reputation. This also applies to girls who sleep around a lot. Unless you want a reputation, don’t go out of your way to earn one. It is good to remember that you aren’t as cool as you think you are while you are drinking. If you’re going to go out and get wasted, remember that what you think you say and what you do say are two completely different things. If you feel the least bit that you are being loud and obnoxious, then you’re probably already That Girl, and all hope is lost. People all around you will already have leaned over to their friends and said, “Hey — check out That Girl … what an ass.”

No matter what anybody says, drinking is a fun and integral part of college for many of us. Unfortunately, most of the experience and lessons you learn from drinking will come as the result of messing up, but that’s OK. Just like the rest of life, you live and you learn; you will learn to drink responsibly. Until then, count on messing up a few times and have the clear head to know what to do.

Also, when you do mess up, don’t wake me up the next morning if you can’t find your pants. Tough luck.

If you are a sparkly wildebeest looking for a good time, contact Sam Morey at smorey88@hotmail.com.