Idiots, accidents and stupidity make life worth living

Nobody is immune from stupidity. We all do stupid things, though arguably some things are far… Nobody is immune from stupidity. We all do stupid things, though arguably some things are far stupider or more careless than others. And as a doer of many stupid things – heh, I said “doer” – I was thoroughly thrilled when I stumbled upon the Darwin Awards a couple years ago.

The Darwin Awards, for those who are unaware, are a collection of stories and Web pages that “salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it.” To achieve this award, an individual has to either die, or render him or herself incapable of reproducing. It’s available online at www.darwinawards.com and at any decent library.

The awards have a special significance for me. I have nearly “Darwined” myself by sticking my finger in a live light-bulb socket in an attempt to remove the crayon I had jammed there earlier, jumping off my deck onto the concrete patio below and accidentally stabbing myself in an artery with scissors while trying to open some plastic casing. My ability to live, however, remains thankfully uncompromised.

With finals and term-paper deadlines now upon us, and our own sense of failure and mental inadequacy higher than ever, I’ll share my favorite Darwin Award. It should make us all feel better about our own mistakes.

A man planned to celebrate New Year’s in style. Perhaps he wanted to be creative, or perhaps he couldn’t find fireworks anywhere else – either way, the man decided to extract the explosives from a grenade and use them for his fireworks. He died after the chainsaw he was using – yes, a chainsaw – to cut open the grenade hit the fuse, causing it to explode.

What happened to him isn’t really funny – I mean, he did die and all – but it’s just one of those situations where I can’t help but wonder what he was thinking. Can people really be that dumb? But then, of course, I think I about it. I see people dashing in front of city buses, drinking themselves into alcohol poisoning, or – I don’t know – trying to light a car on fire during Super Bowl riots and remember that yes, yes they can be that stupid. And that makes me smile.

Remember that day this winter when it snowed really bad, and Fifth Avenue was iced over? I was there when some bold individuals – in an attempt to attract females no doubt – practically inverted their kneecaps while trying to run and slide across the ice. In true human spirit, I laughed my butt off. Moving to warmer weather, I’ve seen skaters try to grind a half pipe – whatever that means – when people walk by, only to crack their heads open on the cement.

Well, I haven’t seen it, but I bet it’s happened many, many times. And just as sure as I am of that, I’d be willing to bet that people who witnessed the spectacle probably laughed their butts off. There is truth to the T-shirt wisdom, “It’s only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious.”

But who needs to witness stupidity in action when we have the Internet? Ah yes, the Internet, the blessed yet nebulous network that never endingly disseminates the greatest tributes to man’s profound lack of judgment. Its ability and utility to unite idiots around the world stands alone as the fundamental, most universal truth.

Okay. Stop. Put down this newspaper right now. Go to a computer, and type in “Titanic Pimp” or “Will you go to Prom with me” into Google Video. It’s worth it.

So why do we laugh? Why is it so funny? Like chocolate ice cream or Chex Mix, people making idiots of themselves is one of those simple pleasures of life; there doesn’t have to be a reason why. And the great thing is that this stuff goes full circle. We laugh when someone trips up the stairs, and people laugh at us when we spill our drink. Everyone’s happy.

In the end, it is our love of watching people embarrass themselves that unites us as a species. And it is our fondness for doing the idiotic that defines us as college students. Let’s just hope, at times like these, that evolution is on our side.

“Hey, look what I can do!” E-mail Ravi at rrp10@pitt.edu.