Jessica uproots the family tree

It’s thought that your birth order holds significant influence over your personality.

It… It’s thought that your birth order holds significant influence over your personality.

It was sophomore year of high school when my family decided to take a 10-hour car trip to Michigan to visit my 24-year-old overachiever sister who had set out for “that place out West,” followed her dreams and was subsequently making a lot of money doing it.

Meanwhile, I was in the backseat of our cramped car, sharing approximately one cubic foot with my 18-year-old brother. My CD player was broken, my Pepsi was gone, my brother was blaring some cute Pantera ditty in his headphones and appeared to be sleeping and drooling not just on his pillow, but mine as well. My parents had a tape of a man whistling on the stereo. That’s right. A man whistling.

Trying to make the most of my own personal hell, I turned to the window and tried to enjoy the scenery.

“Wow! Ohio is really flat.”

Without missing a beat, not even looking over at me or even bothering to open his eyes, punk-death-metal boy muttered, “Look who’s talking.”

I could have been upset. Sure, maybe I do have less curves than a 9-year-old boy, but I’m not claiming to be Pamela Anderson here. This attack on my lack of “lady lumps” was entirely unprovoked. The car erupted in laughter and I reacted in true youngest-child form – I joined in. After all, we babies of the family tend to have a laid-back look at life. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

The theory of birth order has been found to be an effective method of gaining insight into friends’, families’ and co-workers’ personalities. Turns out first-borns, middle children and youngest children tend to bear striking similarities across families. I checked out the Child Development Institute and iVillage Web sites to build on my own opinion of each category. See if you agree.

First-born children: Let’s hear it for the stressed-out, critical perfectionists. First-borns are the guinea pigs for the moms and dads who are learning that fine art known as parenting. Now, I don’t know about you, but frankly, I would never turn over a defenseless rodent to the people I call my parents.

First-borns are usually serious and responsible and get in there and duke it out for what they want. Surrounded by only adults as role models, first-borns grow up feeling more comfortable around people who are much older or younger than them, and they tend to be very nurturing of younger siblings. Of course, whether they admit it or not is another case.

Frank Sulloway, author of “Born to Rebel,” credits first-borns with being more violent and cruel. Some prime examples? Saddam Hussein and Cain, as in Cain and Abel.

On the flip side, first-borns are more successful in conventional aspects of life. In fact, an incredible 52 percent of U.S. presidents were first-borns. There’s hope, you goal-setters! Some of your best career choices as a first-born are scientist, doctor, lawyer or journalist. Your best attribute? You’re a goal-oriented achiever. Worst? You worry too much. And don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” – everyone knows you’re not perfect, now try convincing yourself.

Understandably, first-borns share a striking similarity to only children, because first-borns are only children until that second child comes along. However, only children are a more exaggerated and well-known version of the first child. They love to be No. 1 and will throw themselves into anything that interests them – often times becoming experts in that interest. So, it’s only natural that out of the first 23 astronauts sent into space, 21 were first-borns or only children.

Only children are usually sophisticated, original, daring and independent. But don’t forget to bend sometimes – you can’t always get your way. The best careers for only children? Doctor, architect, engineer or researcher.

Well, in the order of things, the first-born is traditionally followed by the second born, or middle child. “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” This familiar Jan Brady quote is always tagged to the middle marvel. And, believe me, this theory, known as the “Jan Syndrome,” does exist. Middle children tend to size up the older sibling, since they become the primary role model to the younger child.

When a third child comes along, the middle often becomes the mediator, stabilizing the relationships of the three. Therefore, middle children are flexible, social, generous and can even be competitive.

They’re great listeners, patient and tolerant, and deal well with older and younger people. Middle children have a talent for turning their weaknesses into strengths and can easily win and influence people. They may find it hard to forgive and forget and they tend to get embarrassed easily. If you’re a middle child, your best career possibilities are psychologist, social worker or teacher. Your best trait? You’re an enthusiastic team player. Your worst? You can easily drop people without giving them a chance to tell their side of the story. Take the time to really listen.

Ah, and last but definitely not least, the youngest. The “babies” of the family are outgoing and great at motivating other people. Because of their outgoingness and general “people person” demeanor, they tend to make friends easily and are likely to be found in the spotlight. Basically, we’re kind of a big deal.

However, they may find it hard to be taken seriously at times. Let’s face it, I’m almost 21-years-old and I still get care packages addressed to “Baby Jessie” from my 20something sister. I get picked at constantly, but ultimately, my family knows I’m the life of the party.

Children born last should work on their attention spans. Don’t just move on once you get bored. Baby’s best career choices include movie critic, actor or salesman.

There are certainly exceptions to these common characteristics, but I’ve personally found that much of it rings true. Otherwise, where would I get all the material to write about my crazy family? It’s all about dynamics.

E-mail Jessica at jrp32@pitt.edu.