Norris’ roundhouse kick garners standing O

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Pitt’s Tae Kwon Do Club hosted legendary eighth-degree Black Belt Grand Master Chuck Norris March 15.

Norris, an accomplished writer, actor and instructor (having trained Steve McQueen, Priscilla Presley, Donnie and Marie Osmond and the ever-so-nimble Bob Barker), appeared before an eager crowd at Schenley Park with a full beard and several strands of burly chest hair showing.

The crowd became hushed as Norris took the stage and approached the podium. Many anticipated the motivational speech he was to give based on his autobiography, “The Secret of Inner Strength,” and his innovative muscle machine, the Total Gym. Countless fans wore T-shirts emblazoned with images of Norris embedding his foot beautifully into an opponent’s face from several of his action-packed films, such as Missing in Action (1984), Missing in Action II: The Beginning (1985) and Braddock: Missing in Action III (1987). Other noble fans showcased appendages that once received Norris’s graceful touch. Ruth Mojokoi proudly held up her left hand, sealed safely within a plastic bag, announcing that, “Norris touched [her] hand in 1976 and [she] ain’t washed it since then.”

As soon as Norris reached the podium, he swiftly took a sip from the bottle of water that was placed on top, replaced the cap, and tossed the bottle into the crowd, garnering cheers and encouraging words. Once the enthusiastic mass quieted, Norris delivered a stunning roundhouse kick that shattered the podium into a multitude of pieces. The mass immediately cheered for their hero; the applause produced was deafening and honorable fans overwhelmed with the heroic display were moved to tears. B. Skid and Bryan LeStar, avid fans, embraced each other claiming that the unexpected act was “the most beautiful action any one man could do.” LeStar, picking up a sliver of the shattered podium told the mass to “look at dees-” but could not finish through his tears of joy.

Chuck Norris continues to prove to be an accomplished and motivational iconic figure. Through a single act, he was able to move a crowd to tears and spread his hopeful message. After this heroic display, it becomes harder to deny facts such as: “Chuck Norris was once challened to swim the English Channel. In response, he drank in the entire North Atlantic, walked across to France, and relieved himself upon the wine-growing regions there. The wine that year was the finest on record,” are true.