Nickelback: kings among men

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Every generation has at least one band that truly defines it. In the 1960s and 1970s, the Carpenters captured every ounce of social unrest and teen-age turmoil that defined the Vietnam era. By the 1980s, a little band called Journey basically wrote the rulebook on being a coke-addicted yuppie. And of course, who could forget the grungy angst of Ace of Base, pinpointing exactly what Generation X was all about in the 1990s?

By the turn of the century, though, a new musical dawn was peaking out over the horizon. It was a moment in time that no music fan will ever forget. This band was more important than when the Berlin wall fell and the Russians got their hammer and sickle back. They were more complex than Reagan’s economic system. They were the rock ‘n’ roll juggernaut known as Nickelback.

Get ready for the backstory; it’s a hell of a tale. Chad Kroeger, the eventual God-like lead singer of Nickelback was born a rock star, actually exiting his mother’s womb with a rugged Canadian beard and long, flowing (later permed) hair. He learned how to play the guitar before he could walk, and had scored with more groupies than KISS’s Gene Simmons on both the ’75 “Alive!” and the ’76 “Destroyer” tours combined by the time he reached middle school.

In fact, by New Year’s Eve of 2000, the same year his band’s underground classic “The State” was released, Kroeger had officially ‘rocked’ groupies in every province of his native Canada, with the exception of the Yukon Territory, about which Kroeger said, “Them girls can’t handle the ‘stache.”

2001 was a huge year for Kroeger, along with his band mates Ryan “Damn, I’m Brooding” Peake on guitar, Mike “I’m His Brother” Kroeger on bass, and Ryan “I Will Eventually Be Replaced By The Drummer From 3 Doors Down” Vikedal on the skins. Whether or not his nickname actually had anything to do with his replacement by the drummer from 3 Doors Down in 2005 remains to be seen.

Nonetheless, 2001 saw the release of Nickelback’s first blockbuster album, titled “Silver Side Up” after a game Kroeger loved to play with coins instead of “Heads or Tails” when debating if he would or would not rock on any given evening. (Note: Nickelback’s lawyer requires that we print the following: Chad Kroeger rocks on every night of the week. Even Mondays.) The album was solid gold and more packed with winners than the mosh pit at a Puddle of Mudd show.

It was here that Nickelback blessed the country — nay, the world — with the gem “This Is How You Remind Me.” Rivaled only by Creed’s “Higher” in terms of ingenuity, pure genius and sheer awesomeness, Nickelback’s biggest hit had everyone from the NASCAR-loving dude with jean shorts and high socks to the hippest, Kerouac-reading English student singing along. Well, maybe not the second one. He was busy listening to garbage like Radiohead.

Anyway, “This Is How You Remind Me” was like nothing that had come before it. The track took the chunky guitar sound of mediocre (mediocre being a term used to describe any non-Nickelback music) bands like Nirvana, lyrics more emotionally jarring and meaningful than anything Bob Dylan ever hacked out, and a tune so catchy that to play it, Black Sabbath attempted to trade back rock ‘n’ roll for their souls, then immediately re-sell their souls to Nickelback. Nickelback politely refused.

Upon hearing the song, President Bush immediately said something stupid. Shortly thereafter, however, he declared the following day “Nickelback Day.” Later that afternoon, he heard the song again, and was so moved as to change “Nickelback Day” to “Nickelback Week.” Little did Bush know that Nickelback’s own Canadian government had secretly been playing the song on a loop, and, hence, every year from 2001 until 2034 has since been named “Nickelback Year.”

Nickelback had found their niche. Riffing off the success of “Silver Side Up,” the band released two more albums, including 2005’s “All The Right Reasons.” These discs were each composed of near-identical remixes of “This Is How You Remind Me.” Except they had different titles. And different lyrics. And were supposed to be different songs.

In an interview with The Pitt News, Kroeger simply said, “Why broke it if it ain’t fixed, eh?” He then asked the interviewer to stroke his beard. Said interviewer declined.

As the Nickelback story clearly shows, these Canadian lumberjacks of rock are not mere mortals; they are Gods, musically decapitating other bands like a boy twisting the heads off his sister’s Barbies.

And that is exactly why Fuel isn’t around today.