Madden talks sexy sex sex

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Dear Madden,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two of the best years of my life. We both love each other very much, and nothing could ever come between us, but recently we haven’t seemed to have the same chemistry in the bedroom that we once did. Do you have any suggestions for how to spice up our love life?

Horny In Homestead

Dear Horny,

A lot of your quarterbacks enter the sophomore slump after successful rookie outings. The problem is quarterback confidence. He’s gotta go to the gym and hit the weights. Maybe he can take some herbal supplements. You can help him out by upgrading that old, worn out cleavage unit you field each game — maybe you want to sign a rookie free agent that you’re friends with, and try for a three way. If you do that, then nine times out of 10, he’s gonna make that open-field tackle and get you on your back.

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Dear Madden,

I am a pretty shy guy usually, and the bar scene is no different. I see girls going home with total jerks left and right — and I am the one they come crying to the next day after they are left in the middle of the night. I’ve tried and I’ve tried again, but I just can’t approach girls. What can I do to help my chances?

Strikeout in Squirrel Hill

Dear Strikeout,

What you’ve got to do is show the blitz. You might want to grow a mustache, maybe even wear tight pants. You might want to take out a pack of magnum condoms, and accidentally drop it into her drink.

As head coach, you have to look for the important details. Is she wearing a short skirt? How close is the nearest bathroom? Just walk up to her, and be yourself, and then — boom!

Thanks for writing in this week, folks. Next week, we’ll take a look at the issues of lubrication, and turducken preparation.

Sam Morey would like this column to pay homage to John Madden, football’s most amusing, if not most profound announcer ever. E-mail him at smorey88@hotmail.com.