Swimwear should fit

I didn’t think I would have to go there, but apparently it’s necessary to address this… I didn’t think I would have to go there, but apparently it’s necessary to address this all-too-urgent problem.

I hate to sound like someone’s mother, but after basking in the hot Jamaican sun last week, I’ve reached one conclusion: Way too many women in our generation suffer from the bathing-suit blues.

While trying to relax and enjoy my vacation, I was haunted by droopy drawers, much-too-tight Speedos and – much worse – private parts spilling out of bathing suits, waving “Hi” to welcome me to island paradise.

I’m completely aware that swimsuit sizing is not consistent among brands and manufacturers, making it difficult to gauge what your proper size would be, but that’s hardly an excuse for violating swimsuit etiquette.

Because swimsuit purchases are more likely planned as opposed to impulse purchases – USA Today reports that 69 percent of female buyers said they entered the store intending to buy swimwear – there is no reason why yours shouldn’t fit properly.

And with there being a huge variety and enormous range of choices in specialty swimwear designs – mastectomy swimwear, maternity swimwear, water aerobics accessories, thermal and sun-protective swimwear, wetsuits, sports swimwear, plus-sized swimwear and high fashion swimwear – your swimwear should fit even better than your favorite pair of jeans.

If you have a long torso, like I do, and you want to wear a one-piece, make sure it’s long enough. You don’t want your bathing suit to dictate how far you can stretch your arm and how far you can lean back or to the side. If your one-piece is too short and hugging you more tightly than your grandmother, your bathing suit is not for you.

I find it quite hilarious that many women believe that the smaller their bathing suit size, the more likely that it will enhance their shape. In other words, women who normally wear a 6 will purchase a 4 or a 2 to give the appearance that they are more shapely. But what’s the appeal of having your bikini bottom look like it’s flossing your behind every time you move? And who wants to see extra fat hanging over the side because you wanted to look voluptuous and shapely?

If your swimsuit is more than two or three sizes smaller than your normal size, please give it to your younger sister or cousin because your bathing suit is not for you.

If your tummy is a bit larger than you’d like and you still want to wear bikinis and cute little two-pieces, by all means try long tankinis to give more coverage. But please don’t get higher bottoms to try to cover your bulging stomach. Take my advice and get a coverup. If your swimwear makes you look like Steve Urkel from “Family Matters,” your bathing suit is not for you.

Moreover, it’s equally important that you’re comfortable wearing your swimwear. What’s the purpose of having a swimsuit that you aren’t relaxed in or at ease with? If you’re constantly crossing your arms and hiding under cover-ups, it’s high time you chose another style. If no one ever sees your swimwear and questions if you even have one on under your coverup, your bathing suit is not for you.

Now, I’m a lover of bandeau tops and tube tops, but I hate to see women with tube tops that make their breasts sag. You know exactly what I’m talking about. When these suits are ill-fitted, it makes it hard to discern where the suit begins and ends.

Well, honey, let me tell you that it’s supposed to fit right above your cleavage, leaving no room for even a pencil to work its way in. OK, well, maybe not that high up, but definitely not low enough for others to see how blessed you are. If your tube-top swimsuit is so low fitting and small that it could be a belt or a headband, you know the deal: Your bathing suit is not for you.

It’s time we let our bodies do the sizing for us. So stop trying to place style before a proper fit, because there is nothing lamer than someone who doesn’t own and know how to operate an appropriately fitting piece of swimwear.

And if you can’t be polite and attempt to cover up or push stuff in, then you suffer from the bathing-suit blues – and swimming, in general, is not for you.

E-mail Deena at dmc18@pitt.edu.