Get yourself spoiled on amazing TV

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Most people spent their spring break at the beach with friends, but The Pitt News financed a trip to Hollywood to get all the dirt on upcoming episodes of all your favorite shows. This is a spoiler-heavy article, so if you don’t want to know, don’t read.

“ER”

On the April 6 episode, a plane full of orphans and nuns crashes into the hospital. Abby and Luka struggle to save as many lives as possible while Morris stands around and the rest of the employees begin to think that he was only put in a position of authority for dramatic purposes.

Sam admits that her son had facial reconstructive surgery during the summer hiatus, and that’s why he looks drastically different. She didn’t tell people right away because she thought no one would notice.

Pratt yells at people, Kerry hobbles, Ray continues to wear T-shirts so everyone knows how nonconformist he is, and Neela is killed in a tragic submarine accident. Also, a premature baby’s struggle brings everyone together in one of the most powerful episodes of “ER” since last week.

“Desperate Housewives”

On the April 2 episode, Gabrielle and Carlos get a baby boy, but Gaby decides she wants it to be a girl because they have cuter clothes. They decide to raise him as a girl and not tell anyone until the mystery is uncovered sometime in season four. Bree stops drinking, but starts eating and is written off the show when her weight hits 100 pounds. Lynette goes to work, does some selfish and offensive things that no one cares about. Susan falls down, doesn’t get hurt and no one laughs — not even a little.

“Lost”

On the April episode, the castaways find the stash of food that Hurley has been eating all along, but they forgive him because no one else wants to be the fattest person around. Everyone starts doing the drugs Charlie found so that Ana Lucia is somewhat bearable. They vote to stop pushing the button because what’s the worst that could happen?

They’re stranded on an island with Ana Lucia with very little hope of ever getting rescued and Jack doesn’t seem to be getting off his high horse anytime soon. Worst case scenario is they all die, and Michelle Rodriguez can go back to making B movies where she belongs.

“The O.C.”

On the April 13 episode, Sadie overdoses on painkillers, recovers, but her storyline peaked, so she goes to live with her grandparents and everyone pretends she never existed. Marissa gets a shooting pain in her stomach and decides to seek medical attention.

The doctor tells her it’s something called hunger and she should try eating, but not too much because anorexia is attractive and socially encouraged. Julie manages to convince everyone that she’s a human being, Ryan broods, Seth says some mildly humorous, slightly annoying dialog that the characters find more amusing than the audience, and Summer sits quietly until the next batch of expendable teen-agers move in, stir things up for a week or two, and then inexplicably move away.