Nordy unveils Freedom plan

Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken… Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

As part of an ongoing, campus-wide security improvement campaign, Chancellor Mark Nordenberg has “implemented new technology” to keep the University “safe” during the War on Terrorism.

Campus telephones, Pitt E-mail accounts and University mail will — through the use of specialized, but undisclosed technology — undergo intense scrutiny.

Nordenberg appointed a board of University-affiliated and government-related specialists to direct this new campaign, formally called “Pitt Freedom 2006.”

Students responded with protests throughout the week.

Senior Dregs Doubledorf orchestrated the “Anti-Pitt Freedom” rally Tuesday.

“The rally represented an organized effort to say no to freedom,” Doubledorf said. “We want the chancellor to know that we will march, push leaflets and use our voice against freedom.”

Reactionary protests have sprouted around Oakland, speaking directly to Doubledorf but ignoring the chancellor’s campaign.

“Freedom now, freedom forever,” students chanted on Forbes Avenue near Hillman Library and across from one of Doubledorf’s Anti-Pitt Freedom rallies Thursday.

Spaz Shabazz, a Pitt freshman, commented on the confusion of the rallies.

“I’m pro-freedom. All day, every day, baby,” Shabazz said. “But, the freedom protestors are all staged. I saw James Maher and Kathy Humphrey protesting in Abercrombie ‘ Fitch and Gap clothes, trying to pose as students.”

Shabazz said that the lines between freedom-fighters and anti-freedom fighters became blurred as the student protestors became bogged by rhetoric.

He added that many of his friends left asking themselves whether they were pro-freedom or anti-freedom or what exactly freedom means.

Sophomore Lela Loops agreed.

“With all these flyers and leaflets on campus, I just don’t know what to believe,” Loops said. “Why are these kids fighting against freedom? That’s my main concern. I think that, if the chancellor wants to protect us against the enemy, we should recognize that he’s not keeping us under his thumb, but he’s making us safe.”

Nordenberg gave a press conference late Thursday night, after Anti-Anti-Pitt Freedom rallies started forming across campus.

“Freedom for everyone! With student rights ebbing throughout the country, it is my job to ensure that Pitt remains a bastion of freedom,” he said. “With this said, I propose my board of specialists continue to implement the technology needed to keep this campus safe.”